The Stone, Round 2

So this Sunday was round two of my epic battle against the malfunctioning of my kidneys. It started during Jesus time at Nine. We were talking about the craziness that occurs when people truly immerse themselves in their relationship with God, when I started feeling a strange feeling in my abdomen. So I told Kurt and Angie that I wasn't feeling good and stuff, so we started praying, really really praying, and at the end Kurt was like "Do you truly believe that God can heal you." and I was like "Yes", and with no doubt about it the pain was totally utterly gone. It was amazing!
On the way to Church the pain all of a sudden hit me extremely hard and thankfully i was taking Angie to church so she took me to the ER. After a lot of agony, a mini seizure thanks to the morphine, and some sleeping here I am totally befuddled about the whole thing.
In no way do I doubt God's power or anything close to that I just don't know how to take any of this. I mean God had answered the prayer, the pain had stopped what happened?

"Look ot he Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles and the judgement he pronounced." Psalms 105 v. 4-5

19 years Come and Gone

Today my long term animal friend, Snowfire Rocket, had to be put to sleep.
It's curious how drastic the change is from knowing a day like this would come, to knowing the very day its going to happen, and then actually experiencing everything that happens on the day itself. You can never really prepare yourself for it.
It's always amazing how much an animal can mean to you, especially since she has been in my life for so long, I mean ever since I was born people....thats a long time!!
Though its hard God is so good. He's been such a comfort for me these past few days...
Its easy to turn away from God's help when you're hurting, but thats when you need him the most! And he likes it when you spend time with him, and i have a feeling it means even more when he can bring comfort and strength when you feel weak!

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5 v. 4

Being Quieted with Love

I have been struggling a lot with feeling wanted recently, mostly in terms of ministry, I keep feeling as if I put myself out there to help and either it feels as if I just get shot down and basically ignored or I feel like I accomplished nothing for the kingdom while doing so.
I was reading 97 seconds with God yesterday, a blog I was exposed to recently that has become a helpful breather during my day and the writer was talking on "quiet" but this verse popped out to me and I pulled something different.
Zephaniah 3:17:

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

It was just encouraging, that if I continue pursuing God and his Kingdom, to be like him, and He will give me the direction that I seek. Plain and Simple.

Freedom

These past few weeks have been indescribably rough and ugly and beautiful.
I had found myself combating with an addiction I've had for as long as I can remember more than ever, and the emotions, and turmoil with wrestling with God over it.
I have been struggling with the inevitable up and coming departure of a friend I've only just recently got to know.
And uncertainty about the future and what God truly wants with/from me.

So suffice to say I've been feeling rather stressed and depressed for some time.

Two Sunday's ago was the start of a process of breaking me that I never expected.
We had an unexceptionably amazing service, and I found myself on my knees in arbitration and reverence to God

And then not but three days later I digressed in my struggle with my vice. In the process I began to realize I've been speaking his Name with my mouth and yet my heart has been far from him. And I began to feel as if I can't continue to walk this road, split and torn between my Flesh and his righteousness. I was ready to walk away from my faith.

And then yesterday arrive and I was planning on just staying home and giving up on the myself and the world I live in, when Twila asked me to go to the Father's House's Wed. service. I really really really didn't want to go but I decided to go just because she had been asking me for so long and I still hadn't done it.

So there I am sitting in a service listening to music and people in utter love and praise to the One I used to feel so close to, wanting to just get out.

I was just standing outside of the aisle because someone had to get past me to return to their seat when Viki Orsello comes up behind me and lightly touches my back. Sensing something (undoubtedly the Holy spirit telling her to pray for me), she stops and simply says peace of mind. I'm beyond shocked and I feel wave after wave of emotion, warmth, sadness, guilt, heartache, longing, flowing though my body. She continues to pray and says more simple short words, undoubtably the spirit telling her that I need to hear. After a long, emotional, spiritual confrontation (with two others coming over to pray over me) I felt an amazing burden lifted off my shoulders.
Shortly after the others move on and I'm so drained for the moment I had to sit down.

Twila was sitting close by and I couldn't help but walk over and sit next to her, she hugs me and I break down again, and the only thing I could say was "Free, I'm Free, Twila I'm Free!"

The Struggle

How to break free from these chains
When they bind my very heart, and what seems my very being
It feels of an addiction, It started as a choice
How did I let it get this far?
I've heard one say "How can it be wrong?"
But if it was right why is there disconnect from God

I had a taste this weekend
On how it is to feel again
Sunshine passed into this prison that I've built for myself
But I've forgotten how to love

When you've loved, truly loved and their backs turned and walked away
No goodbye...
When you've loved friends, and the return was their evanescence
When you want to love new friends
but you doubt that they care as much
How do I love again?

I want to follow the Way, with everything I am
but I've forgotten how to hear His voice

What does it mean to live? To love?
To know that so many are suffering and dying
Even while I write this thats on my heart
and yet feel helpless to do anything...
When I fear to even say His name

I want to love again
But I've forgotten how