Freedom

These past few weeks have been indescribably rough and ugly and beautiful.
I had found myself combating with an addiction I've had for as long as I can remember more than ever, and the emotions, and turmoil with wrestling with God over it.
I have been struggling with the inevitable up and coming departure of a friend I've only just recently got to know.
And uncertainty about the future and what God truly wants with/from me.

So suffice to say I've been feeling rather stressed and depressed for some time.

Two Sunday's ago was the start of a process of breaking me that I never expected.
We had an unexceptionably amazing service, and I found myself on my knees in arbitration and reverence to God

And then not but three days later I digressed in my struggle with my vice. In the process I began to realize I've been speaking his Name with my mouth and yet my heart has been far from him. And I began to feel as if I can't continue to walk this road, split and torn between my Flesh and his righteousness. I was ready to walk away from my faith.

And then yesterday arrive and I was planning on just staying home and giving up on the myself and the world I live in, when Twila asked me to go to the Father's House's Wed. service. I really really really didn't want to go but I decided to go just because she had been asking me for so long and I still hadn't done it.

So there I am sitting in a service listening to music and people in utter love and praise to the One I used to feel so close to, wanting to just get out.

I was just standing outside of the aisle because someone had to get past me to return to their seat when Viki Orsello comes up behind me and lightly touches my back. Sensing something (undoubtedly the Holy spirit telling her to pray for me), she stops and simply says peace of mind. I'm beyond shocked and I feel wave after wave of emotion, warmth, sadness, guilt, heartache, longing, flowing though my body. She continues to pray and says more simple short words, undoubtably the spirit telling her that I need to hear. After a long, emotional, spiritual confrontation (with two others coming over to pray over me) I felt an amazing burden lifted off my shoulders.
Shortly after the others move on and I'm so drained for the moment I had to sit down.

Twila was sitting close by and I couldn't help but walk over and sit next to her, she hugs me and I break down again, and the only thing I could say was "Free, I'm Free, Twila I'm Free!"

The Struggle

How to break free from these chains
When they bind my very heart, and what seems my very being
It feels of an addiction, It started as a choice
How did I let it get this far?
I've heard one say "How can it be wrong?"
But if it was right why is there disconnect from God

I had a taste this weekend
On how it is to feel again
Sunshine passed into this prison that I've built for myself
But I've forgotten how to love

When you've loved, truly loved and their backs turned and walked away
No goodbye...
When you've loved friends, and the return was their evanescence
When you want to love new friends
but you doubt that they care as much
How do I love again?

I want to follow the Way, with everything I am
but I've forgotten how to hear His voice

What does it mean to live? To love?
To know that so many are suffering and dying
Even while I write this thats on my heart
and yet feel helpless to do anything...
When I fear to even say His name

I want to love again
But I've forgotten how

Give Me Moments to Show You

Beauty, the seed broken by sorrow and sadness
Beaten down, torn up, and thrown away
I have hid my feelings long
Fearing they will do me wrong
As echoes stir the silence
A broken heart makes

"This to shall Pass"
Continues its ring in my head
An empty promise built on more than ludicrous hopes
So, they lead me along
Caring isn't in their plan
The truth hurts, so here it is
A better world will never be seen
Watch as people kill for It
In the name of It

I'm not one to remember all that you've done
Evanesce and hear these words
Truth told in lies
The most beautiful brought to life
And the most evil, with the best intentions done

The human voice is different from other sounds
It can be heard over noises the bury everything else
Even when its not shouting, only a whisper
Even the quietest voice can be heard over armies
When it's telling the truth
So, here it is again
Mark the paradox of asking this masked man who he is
But heavy has this mask grown, so as to have forgotten who is underneath
So give me but minutes to show you who I really am...

Where Friday Night Lights meets Spiritual Questioning

Friday nights bell game is what actually started this thought process. The topic, sexuality.
I know right me talking about this subject, but as I've been thinking about it, it is such a huge area in every human beings life and yet it is the least talked about in the Body as to how we gauge what is ok and what is to far for purity.
What started this questioning was the cheerleader's performance at half-time at the Bell game Friday night. The struggle:

Where's the point where enjoyment of a woman's beauty becomes lust?

I guess this thought was brought up after the performance when a couple of fellow christian males made comments about how good they did and so forth. The bible mentions purity several times and in several contexts 1 Tim. 5 for example but when I read passages on it. I feel as if I miss or it doesn't define or describe where being a human male changes toward sin. We were created with a sexual drive and in the proper ways is a wonderful gift. But when we are single wheres the line?

....the political dilemma

This morning while reading in 1 Corinthians I came across some verses that play upon what I have been struggling with when it comes to the upcoming election. The verses I am mentioning is 1 corinthians 3:18-23.
The reason I have been struggling with this is because I disagree highly with a large majority of people on what is truly necessary when it comes to political issues and I make many conservative Christians angry because I don't blindly follow a "conservative" Republican agenda, I anger many liberals because I disagree with several issues because the questionability of them morally. Anyway the reason why I struggle is so many people on both "sides", that I highly respect and trust tell me to vote this way or that, all while using the "lesser of two evils" argument. They boast in "their" candidate as someone who is wise or will establish better ways of running our country. Then again I believe God establishes the leaders he does for a reason, and even though we can't see it now, it turns around in the end.