Anniversary: Aim High

To recall all that has happened in my life this year it almost impossible to believe. I started the year off dancing the morning away on the coast of one of the most spectacular and awe-inspiring countries in the world and I ended it in the Great Northwest of the United States, a completely different person, in a completely different direction in life.

There were many amazing life lessons scattered in between then and now but the greatest, and hardest lesson to cope with was coming to understand was what it truly means to be affraid.

When I left for the Peace Corps I was full of ambitions and expectations. A had thirst for adventure and self-discovery. Above all I was eager. I wanted to be tested. I wanted to prove that I had what it took to be more or less self-sufficient. That I could rough it, and struggle and make a difference. I wanted to prove that I was ready to be a man. I had direction.

When I arrived I saw so many things.  I saw the deepness of life, and the joys of self-sacrifice. I found solace in the arms of strangers and witnessed true brokenness, true darkness. I witnessed death. Yet through it all I was safe behind that damnable curtain of safety and certainty and the belief that none of this could happen to me. I had a safety net, I was different, I was other.

And suddenly at the drop of a fist all that changed.

With perfect clarity, I understood the nature of my mortality.
I knew fear.

If could get mugged, If I could get beaten, anything could happen to me. I could die tomorrow. And at first it was difficult, I didn't want to go anywhere, do anything. Anxiety coursed through my body at the littlest things. I wanted to simply dwell inside my room. Inside the safety of my little world or even to simply escape into the created fantasies of others through books or television.  But I was still dying, just slowly. Bit by bit, and if I didn't change I would be hollower then a rotted out tree.

So here I am. One year later.

I've taken steps and risks and made huge changes.  I've applied to some of the most prestigious nursing schools in the country and I'm working with the coolest, most broken kids imaginable. Above all I'm living my life true to myself.

I'm not where I imagined I'd be a year ago, but I'm ok with it.
Have I aimed high? You bet.

But I plan to aim higher.

Stories

Tell me your stories
Tell them to me with words you've never said out loud.
Paint a picture of your history on a canvas of which to be proud.

Speak with a vibrancy that you picked up as you walked through life alone.
Rip the floor from beneath my feet, shake me and drop me like a stone.

Wrap me around your finger and break the silence open wide.
Pull me through the hills and valleys, keeping up to you with stride.

I might have hit a wall and found myself lost for words.
But it's not a fault to be dumbstruck
So give me breath and fill me up, my dear.
Lift me up and give me wings to rise above this funk.

Thankfulness

It's about counting the steps from where you are to where you started.
It's reviewing the path of life that you have been on and what it has taken to get there.
It's knowing the Rocks that have remained underfoot, those that have remained steady for you.
It's the acknowledgment that their presence have made all the difference for you.

It's also recounting the treacheries and catchments that have come your way.
It's knowing the power they held against you, and yet knowing that without them you would not know what it means to overcome.
It's remembering that the hardship they brought you has refined you and made you stronger.

It's reminiscing about the past, being satisfied with the present, and celebrating what it to come.
It takes thought, effort and a touch of humility.
It's makes all the difference

What are you thankful for?

Worth It.

I've seen more than you can even relate to and come to find
That fighting for morality for morality's sake will get us nowhere.
I don't wanna show my face here anymore.
In these streets, to be the topic of awkward, hometown conversation.

This is who I am and who I'l be.
I've fought for it harder than most.
I won't be told what's supposed to be right,
I'll find it out for myself, through discovery and struggle.

It takes getting everything you've ever dreamed of and loosing it
To truly know what Freedom is.
There's no use in talking with people that have never left home,
They don't understand what it's like to seek safety in other people.

To have everyone love you and care about you, but to never quite belong to anyone.
Having a chameleon soul, I'd spent years trying to adapt to what came.
Always trying to stay out of trouble, but never getting to feel what life is.
I will have it this way no longer, no longer will I have a war in my mind.

I have nothing to loose anymore and nothing to gain.
Except the desire to make my life into a canvas, a work of art.
I believe in the kindness of strangers, and the beauty of the broken
Finding solace even in the darkest of places.

Will this make you run away or will you stay, even though it hurts?
I've spent most of my life turning my cheek for cheeks sake
But now, this is my life, and I've fought for the Truth harder than most
I've broken through webs of lies, this is what I've come to.

And it was worth it.

Questions

What is your reason for getting up in the morning?
What gives breath to your lungs? Makes you take that next step?
What gives you hope to face the monsters in your path?

What gives you purpose? A reason to smile?
Is it the tender touch of the sun upon your skin?
Is it fitting into that little red dress? That pound lost?
Is it the feeling of iron in your hands? That next big pay check?

What would you do if you had a little bit of money? A little passion in you heart?
What difference would you try to make? Who's life would you change?
What makes your heart stop up tight?
Who's hand would you hold? Lips would you kiss, if you had 15 last seconds?

What do you know of this life? What things have you seen, places have you been?
Have you seen any of darkness out there? Felt the sting of pain, grief, regret?
Have you seen where the demons hide?

What do you do to forget? What would you do to remember always?
What emotions would you seek to relive again?
What dangers would you face to have it all again?

How do you get yourself back home?