This is the Way that I Am

The late night insomnia has set in once again and once again I've have been thinking.
Tonights topic: Why God places people into our lives.
I've been able to be with some amazing people, especially over the last month....and I don't know how to emotionally handle it.
Some of these people I've known for years but never had the chance to truly get to know them before now, for only God knows what reason. And thats part of the question why does God place people when, where, and how he does. It feels like I've missed out on so much and yet there was really no opportunity before now for these relationships to form....and now so shortly after they have been formed, my newly found friends have to leave. Thats all it ever feels like, I get close to someone and God takes them away....every time...
I'm becoming, now especially, more and more afraid of opening up and deepening two specific relationships that have been created over the last few weeks. They have become such an integral part of my life in less than three weeks, and yet to know they we'll have to leave in such a short time...wondering if it all matters...for them, and inevitably myself as well. I don't want to appear desperate, and yet I hate being alone, I've tasted what It feels like to not be for the first time in 19yrs, and I don't want to go back. Yet there feels like an invisible wall of already deeply formed relationships and lives in other places, and I'm just a part of a temporary, quickly fleeting chapter. It feels more self destructive then healthy...
Maybe I think to much....part of me knows I should live for the moment and cherish the time that has been given, but the other part questions if I can/do/will make as much of an impression on others as they seem to have on me...or do I just care too much...
And that all leads me to relationships of the past, and how I've screwed up....
I once held the key and now I have nothing, I'm sorry for leading you along, I know its my own faults that have brought me down, it's a constant battle. I'm sorry I'm just a man.
I know theres more to life. I just want to know people, but I feel nobody wants to be known, or even knows what it means TO be known....