Barriers

The Psalms. They are the bible's little poetic wonder and one of my favourite books. Why, you may ask? Because within it's chapters are spirit-lifting stanzas of praise, sorrow, anger, joy and questioning cries to God. They show beautiful and multi-layered relationships between man and God. For me it shows the rawness of the human spirit that is in Love with God. While there are many uplifting and profound verses all over the place, it's often the smallest, single sentences that catch me.

Psalms 21 v. 13 (Message) was one that grabbed me; "Show your strength God, so no one will miss it." We all have weaknesses or character flaws, or face hardships but as Paul writes about Christ's authority," My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I face some form of weakness or hardship everyday. Whether it is contesting my pride, mucking through depression, attempting to scramble through a language barrier, or needing God to warm my ice cold heart to show unconditioned love to people. I know my faults bring me down and it's a constant battle and I am just a man. However, wiping that aforementioned cliché from my eyes, I have to be honest with myself, because it kills me to see hypocrisy and lies within my own life. I know there is more to life then slavery to these things, there is more to life then drinking in soul-intoxicating complacency.

I am not saint but I have a great Saviour. As such I will continue to ask he show his strength in me in the areas where I no longer have any so no one can miss recognising him.

2 Corinthians 12 (esp v. 7-10)

St. Augustine Inspires

From my birth I have been apart of you.
In many ways you are my mother.
But time has a way of exposing that which lies beneath:

The Kingdom, you have abandoned the Kingdom for self-indulgence!
You savage that which Papa gave you,
Using it for your wanton luxury
You mistake gluttony for beauty, and mask the truth for the sake of simplicity

The Kingdom, oh the Kingdom you have abandoned for self-indulgence
You shout your "Devotion" from the high places
Yet, you disguise your debauchery,
Clothing it under the linen of popular belief; that of earthly standards.

You have let your Love become a Four-Letter Lie
Holding your arms out wide, you call to those with burdens
They put their hearts within your care yet you bind them up,
Placing upon them a weight they were not ment to carry.
Holding them to the letters of the Law, to that from which they have been freed!

You have let you Love become a Four-Letter Lie.
Allowing yourself to become weak and comfortable
You pray diligently for safety when you were made to be ferocious, a lioness, a force to be reckoned with.
Tarry not in worry over your failure, but fret over your success in that which is of no consequence!

You may be a whore, but you are my Mother!
As it is, turn from the path you have taken, and step out of the darkness!
Sink your fangs into injustice! Promote the Peace Everlasting!
Cultivate that which you desire to see, or receive only that which the World can give you.
Chase after An Geadh-Glas, pursue once again, and be unified with the One who gave you your voice.

2 Corinthians 13 v. 5: Read It.

I am angry...

As Christians we should acknowledge the things that are ugly and manifestations of sin. We must not be afraid of recognising them, of vocalising them. It is important to state them to our father so that he will be glorified. Matthew 10 v. 26-33

I am angry when I see a women searching for assistance but is so drugged up,
she cannot focus enough to remember personal information.
I am angry when a man has to choose between school or working 12 hr days to provide for himself/his parents.
I am angry when I see a teenage mother struggling to provide for her child.
I am angry to encounter a man completely wasted a 11 in the morning.
I am angry when people act as if they are too good to be near someone who they judge as below them.
I am angry when people passing by give the ugliest looks to my friend who is homeless
because, being happy to see me, he decided to serenade me with a goofy song.
I am angry...

May we never ignore them or consider their hardships to be normative.
and May we hold to the promise of Revelation 21 v. 3-5.

My Psalm (27 June-Peru)

I have found that at times a source of good reflection and time with God comes in personalising/re-writing Psalms.
What follows is an example of this, specifically one while reflecting during my time in Peru.

You know my temptations and my struggles.
You know the words that scratch my soul like freshly sharpened knives.
You know the desires of my heart and the burdens to tough to carry on my own.
You know the words I long to say and halt the curses that seek their exit my mouth.
And you are with me always!

There to comfort me when I stumble, and to set me straight when I wander astray.
You have search my mind and know the lies that plague it.
You place light among them to show them for what they are.
Let me see that the monsters that haunt me are not but creatures to be squashed beneath my feet!

Inspiration: Psalm 139

The Art of Trusting

Trusting is an art form. It takes practice, tools and skills built up over time, and just a touch of daring. It is an activity or practice that can be regarded as medium of expression for a relationship.

This week I was placed in a position of having to express the deepest trust and found that trusting God and trusting others often go hand in hand.

It started off on being in a place of dangerous ground, to where I was not caring what God wanted to say to me. This had to change. I needed to move from having no faith to having great faith, obedient faith and it had start with some action.

I have a passion for God. It has developed in me over the course of many years, several filled with trials and tribulations. I have had to learn over the years (and had to have it refreshed for me this week) that it is not simply God taking roll and his satisfaction with "Here!" but that he wants more. He desires, "I'm listening," as well. It is having the same response when times are difficult/critical as when your journey first began/when things were easier.

This time if I wanted to be listening to God, if I wanted to take him seriously, I needed to follow his calling for accountability, and in turn meant having to put my trust in a very dear friend. And so I did, and trust me it wasn't easy.

I couldn't eat all day, I was nauseous, and during our conversation I could hardly bring myself to look my friend in the eye. Up to that conversation I was facing a problem with faith. I was faced with the possible contradiction of a promise from God, with the command he had given me. How was God, in this situation, going to be a God of honour? I was facing the possibility of rejection, humiliation, and the loss of a friend. I'd experienced it before. How was God going to show up in this context? I had to take a chance, and I am so thankful I did.

Often trying to understand what God is doing puts us at a confrontation with what he would have us do. Trying to reason about what God will do binds us to inaction. But God has a plan both big picture and small and before we can see the place or to see the outcome, we must choose to see the God who is already there.

I would rather choose love and the risk that people will not accept me for everything that I am, then not trust God. Heb. 11 v. 17-19

The Lie.

There is this little lie that we as human beings have been fed that pervades our lives and influences our day to day actions. This lie is whispered to us daily: to be effective we have to have it all together, and it is compounded on by the lie that we CAN have it all together. This can be said even more so of Christians; that somehow, to be able to truly walk a walk of faith, we have to be able to meet a set of requirements, to make up for our inadequacies before we can be in relationship with God.

This is called religiosity and I want nothing to do with it.

We have to stop trying. Make loving God another obligation burn out will happen and we end up focusing even more on ourselves. How can you command others to stop sinning in order to love God, when we have to love God to stop sinning? It is when we stop actively loving and pursuing God that we slip into sin.

I need God to help me to love God. That's the beauty of it, our efforts are totally out of the picture. He died so that we could love him, he helps us to love him.

Read it yourself:
Gal. 5 v. 13-14, John 10 v. 10

Putting the Gifts Down

I have been living the last six weeks burdened by the desire to be in two places at once. After two wonderful years of discovery and growth I am once again living the the town in which I grew up.

I love this place, I could go on about it for hours, to the extent which I always get looks from friends that are underlaid with the question "WHY!?!". With it's rustic and rural beauty, it's history, and it's broken, eccentric, and beautiful people, this little town of Gold never ceases to amaze me. However, I am in love with another place, another group of wonderful, eccentric people, a second home.

Today was a message on a segment of Abraham's story. It is a story I have heard countless times, but somehow never appreciated the gravity of the story's background. It is the story of Abraham's test to sacrifice Isaac his only son, and the greatest promise from God in a covenant to Abraham. If you know this story you have probably asked, as I have, why on earth would God test Abraham in such a manner? This kind of test would never blow over in this day and age, and you would be right. Yet, how Dennis pointed out, God often uses the same lessons, he simply uses different packages.

Gifts, especially gifts from God come in all sorts packages. They may be an assortment of talents, they may be unexpected blessings, or in my case a group of amazing people. We like to cling to these gifts with everything we have. Which is understandable, they are wonderful examples of God's love for us. The problem comes when we cling to these gifts so tightly that, when God steps in and asks us to take his hand and follow him, our arms are too full to take hold. It's really hard to trust God enough to set down our beloved items in order to be in relationship with him.

I feel a calling to follow God by joining the Peace Corps, this may sound ludicrous, and sometimes I ask myself the very same thing. Inasmuch, it has meant placing some of the gifts that I have been given down in order to take God by the hand. Yes, it is extremely hard. Not only am I facing not being near some of the people I love the most for a short while, but it also means facing the knowledge that in the future I am going to have to put down even more to live in a foreign country for 2 years. Yet, if I truly desire to follow God, this is what I am required to do. Thankfully, I stand in the knowledge that putting my cherished down for now doesn't mean I am required to do so forever and, thankfully, it is for a God who knows our backgrounds, who declares that he will never test us beyond the portion of our faith, or beyond our ability to succeed.

God is not always easy to listen to, but he's worth it.

Moment of Artistry, A Touch of Poetry

My eyes drew open, and I gazed in that somber direction.
There will be no more dreaming as the day when death itself is undone.
No more dreaming like a boy so in love, I'm just a boy so in love with the wrong one.

I ran from the dawn, fought with the day, trapped now always in this twilight.
I went down to the river, praying that the water would give me answers.
But this, the water gave me:
Memories slipping through my fingers and a pocket full of heavy stones.

Oh, how I pity poor Atlas.
The world is such a beast of a burden,
When you've been holding on for such a time,
As I have been, to my defences.

There is love in my body, but I cannot get it out
Since the tenderest of touches have left the darkest of marks.
There is no excuse for the state I'm in, but I have found
The sweetest of words have the bitterest taste

Hence, saddness shows on my face, catches in my breath
And the space between two lungs swells as it burns
When I recall the love I held from the start.

Send Me!

My dear friend is a creative, caring little thing. She can bring joy to you so fast with the simplest cheeky smile, and heaven help your emotional state of being if she decides to gift you something! She has been blessed with the talent of being able to tailor the simplest things to have the perfect individualized impact on whomever she is decides to target with a bit of love.

Prior to our little summertime excursion to Peru I found myself being the happy victim of her love-sniping, via a 30 page hand-crafted glory of a little green journal. Little did I, nor she, know this little act would be a source for a fair few intense spiritual moments during my time abroad. This little journal, with its carefully selected verses, hand-written in various colours and placements throughout the lined pages, became the location to write down reactionary thoughts to events and discussions, a place to write down funny quotes and stories, and a source of divine timing and encouragement.

My first notable encounter came the morning of my departure to Mexico City for debrief. While sitting in the airport waiting impatiently for the plane to begin boarding, I decided to take the time to thoroughly examine the journal and read some of the verses she had chosen specifically for me. I didn't make it past the first page.

There it was, written in large, bolded red letters; Isaiah 6 v. 8.

Then I heard the voice of the LORD saying "Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I send me!"

Wham. Here I was, preparing to go to a far away country, to spend six weeks with people I did not know and worried I would have terrible difficulty connecting with, essentially saying "I will go." But was I really ready? I wanted to shout, saying those very words, "Me Lord, send ME!" But could I say them invariably? This was a constant thought that possessed me throughout the Trek. There are people, family and friends, that I care about deeply, and the thought of leaving them, being possibly thousands of miles away to where I cannot see them whenever I needed or wanted to, is nearly unbearable. I also love Jesus, and he said that whoever leaves behind friends and family and possessions for his name lives for him, anyone who doesn't is not worthy of him (Matt. 10. v. 37 and 19 v. 29).

I don't know what this is going to look like yet, and this trip certainly got me thinking and seeking after God's direction. I know it will not always be easy and I still have a million questions but I have found trust and a burning love for God (more on that later). It's all baby steps from here and continually asking for help to freely give over to him the things that hinder me from full devotion to the Kingdom and to use the things (skills, ambitions, and possessions) placed within my care to their fullest potential to bring love of others.

Sleeplessness in the Face of the Unknown

I can't sleep. I will literally be boarding a plane in less than six hours to travel to the first part of my 6 week journey into a new country. Why can't I sleep?

Worry. No. Stress. No, that has past. Fear. Surprisingly, not at all.
Then what is it?!

While I was double checking my packing a song came onto the radio. I can't remember the name of the song or the artist but the words that I heard struck me. I don't even know If they are correct but this is what I heard:
Everyday I see the news, all the problems, bet we could solve them
but if the situation rises, we write them off, they should solve them
We could set it straight and go, I hope but all it is is
"I don't really like my phone..."
I don't even know if these are the correct words, or even what the rest of the song was about, but it bugged me. These last few weeks have been wonderful, seeing family and visiting friends before I leave, but one thing keeps bothering me; the advice.

I know the people in my life care about me and want to see me safe, but it's like they drowned out the entire reason I'm going. I'm not going there to be safe, this isn't a vacation...

The best way to describe my thoughts is by breaking down the song. What I feel that takes place are two ways of thinking. The first is that there are problems to be fixed, so we go for a few days/weeks do some good deeds and leave (set it straight and go').
What does this really do? There's no sustainability, there's no relationship,... something's missing.
The other tends to be diversion; 'Those people are lazy, if they just did this...' or 'that issue is to far away for me to worry about it' or [enter excuse here]. (we write them off, they should solve them)
Or simply the focus and find distraction in materialistic things. We let our thoughts be consumed about the newest and biggest, that the other issues that exist in the world get forgotten. (but all it is is 'I don't really like my phone').

I'm guilty of it, I don't know very many who aren't but I'm going to Peru to learn and understand what a life of poverty is. Taking a servant position beneath that the people who live there, in the hope that I can example Christ. This is the alternative road I wish to take. I'm nervous and yet excited about where it will lead me. Funny how a song can be a marvelous outline for things.

Please pray for me, brothers and sisters; that I may find answers while seeking God. These are just random bits of thoughts that are in my head as I prepare to leave, an aid to process them if you will. I thank you for all you support, and hope to see you in 6 weeks.

Much love.

Transition in the Presence of God

Change. At this moment it is the most illustrious thing in my life. Two significant eras of my existence on this planet have come to a close, but am I ready for it?

I have been privileged for the last to years to attend a beautiful university and graduate with a crisp piece of paper with an estimated cost of close to $10,000. I say this sardonically not out of ungratefulness or disrespect, for I am very thankful for the sacrifices, encouragement, and support of many people (especially my parents) enabling me to be one of the 1%of the global population to receive a higher education, but I say this as a man in reflection. What did I pay for? Yes, skills and knowledge that everyone says I needed, but I think that hefty sum of money paid for things that I could never have expect, things that very few get to encounter.

I left Oroville two years ago a very different individual. As someone once put it eloquently, I was "a human being on the fringes of my community." Everyone knew I was around. I existed on some level, but I wasn't completely connected. I wasn't happy, I wasn't a whole being. I'd seen several of my friends leave Oroville and when they returned on breaks they would profess how much they missed the community here. I believed them but I couldn't see it, I couldn't feel it myself.

Then I left.

I came to Sonoma State University, knowing no one. The freshest start one could imagine. I couldn't have possibly imagined how good and fruitful that new start would be. I connected with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and met amazing people. I fell into a community of believers with different backgrounds, different struggles, different loves. Yet, above all, had the same passion for God. I laughed, I loved, I cried. I made mistakes, and struggled with hard truths and realities, in tandem, that I feel most Christians wouldn't even put on their radar, and I found God.

I now have left that community that I love so dearly, friends that I could never replace, and an experience I would never sacrifice for anything in this world, to return to where I once started. I had hesitations to say the least. What if I slip back to who I was before? What if I don't find the same acceptance for who I am? Will loose sight of what I have learned? These last few days have been hard and there have been more than enough tears but I know this is where I am supposed to be for now.

John 21 v. 1-14 have been an encouragement it letting me know that I am in the right place. I will be leaving for a six week cultural emersion missions trip to Lima, Peru to live, partner with, and learn from the urban poor who live there. It will be a time of great trial and growth and I will see God in a whole new way and once again come back a different person than when I left. But in the time being I need to be in Oroville. In the verses mentioned above the disciples were facing a time of loss after Jesus' death, a time of transition from the way things had been. They saw God because they were where they knew to be, did what they knew to do, looked for Jesus' presence, and offered what they had. They were able to commune with God before they set out on the path God had laid before them that would take them through the rest of their life.

So that is where I am now. Things have changed dramatically from they way they were but no matter how difficult it may seem everything will be alright because I am in the presence of God.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29 v. 11

Shalom.