Friday I was feeling discouragement from being able to hear what I’m being told in KiSwahili. Most people want to try to use their English with me, which is ok, except that I am not getting practice in hearing KiSawhili when it is spoken. After spending sometime absolutely failing to understand an Mzee who greeted me on the road, all I wanted was to spend time alone to wallow in my frustration and longing for home.
As I was walking back to my utility closet of a room, (I literally found out it was the utility room yesterday when they labeled all the doors in the new building! I definitely lost it laughing. I’m in here until my house is finished.) there were a group of kids unabashedly staring at me from the side of the road. One of them had a make-shift ball in their hand. So I went up to them an asked if they wanted to play, and they lost it with excitement. We played various versions of football and a ‘keeping the ball in the air’ game we made up. We played for nearly two hours and I’m pretty sure I said less than ten words in total!
It is finding consolation in the little things, especially in my new community that is going to get me through these next two years. It’s a rough road, but it’s the little things that will bind me to this place and realizing that play surpasses the barriers of language is the greatest thing to remember.
“Little drops of water and little grains of sand make the mighty ocean and the pleasant land”
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
Every Hurt is a Lesson.
Panic attacks are not the greatest thing to happen to anyone, but in the middle of church in a culture where saving Face is important, and you barely know anyone, doubles the severity of the issue.
Yet as I was drenched in anxiety stealing my ability to breath, I was reminded of four lessons given to me before I left for Africa, which all addressed and soothed the panic overwhelming my body.
1. God knows what we are made of.
-He was one of us; made himself vulnerable, human, and looked to others for
support (Matthew 26)
-Even though he knew his followers (and even us now) would fail and doubt him
he reached out to them, still stretched out his heart to them.
Love is risky. If I want to love, I have to lend my heart out at its most vulnerable; when I ache for my friends and family, and long for nothing more to flee Africa and have them at my side. Jesus did not bypass the cross, compared to that my experience here is trivial.
2. Good intentions don't cut it.
I can't just talk about helping others, I have to be awake for opportuities to make the difference in an interaction. Just because I want to doesn't mean I can or that I will. I don't wanna live a half-prepared, inaffective life here, focusing too much of the activity rather then the relationships.
3. Loving God doesn't always mean that we want to face what it is that he allows us to face.
-Jesus felt this reality to the point of sweating blood (Matt 26.38)
No matter what the pain is (even longing for loved ones to the point of feeling like vomiting) I must continue with what has been asked of me. The cross wasn't an obsticle but the way to God. Sacrifice to be truly alive.
4. Never doubt in the dark what God has told you in the light.
I am in Africa, doing what I've always wanted, feared, and even a couple months ago, ever thought I could do. Things lined up when it seemed impossible, and I was encouraged and blessed in ways I could never have asked for.
Every hurt is a lesson, and every lesson make you better.
Yet as I was drenched in anxiety stealing my ability to breath, I was reminded of four lessons given to me before I left for Africa, which all addressed and soothed the panic overwhelming my body.
1. God knows what we are made of.
-He was one of us; made himself vulnerable, human, and looked to others for
support (Matthew 26)
-Even though he knew his followers (and even us now) would fail and doubt him
he reached out to them, still stretched out his heart to them.
Love is risky. If I want to love, I have to lend my heart out at its most vulnerable; when I ache for my friends and family, and long for nothing more to flee Africa and have them at my side. Jesus did not bypass the cross, compared to that my experience here is trivial.
2. Good intentions don't cut it.
I can't just talk about helping others, I have to be awake for opportuities to make the difference in an interaction. Just because I want to doesn't mean I can or that I will. I don't wanna live a half-prepared, inaffective life here, focusing too much of the activity rather then the relationships.
3. Loving God doesn't always mean that we want to face what it is that he allows us to face.
-Jesus felt this reality to the point of sweating blood (Matt 26.38)
No matter what the pain is (even longing for loved ones to the point of feeling like vomiting) I must continue with what has been asked of me. The cross wasn't an obsticle but the way to God. Sacrifice to be truly alive.
4. Never doubt in the dark what God has told you in the light.
I am in Africa, doing what I've always wanted, feared, and even a couple months ago, ever thought I could do. Things lined up when it seemed impossible, and I was encouraged and blessed in ways I could never have asked for.
Every hurt is a lesson, and every lesson make you better.
Triple Wedding Surprise
I have mostly come to accept the fact that half of the time I am not going to fully understand what it happening around me here in Kenya. Part of that being that I can only catch half of what is being said in KiSwahili and the other because it seems to be a cultural norm to never completely reveal all of the information.
This very surprise occurred to me yesterday when I was invited to church with a shop owner I had met my first day here in Ngorika. As I am sitting in church, I noticed that there is something "extra" going on. Granted I have never been to an Anglican Church before but there seemed to be an unusual amount of extra-well dressed people (which I am not one of) and an allergy attack full of flowers. Upon questioning my host explained to me that a triple wedding was taking place today DURING the service, a really cool thing the church does for couples who aren't able to afford a wedding of their own.
It simply goes to remind me that I need to be flexible and prepared for just about ANYTHING to happen over these next two years...
This very surprise occurred to me yesterday when I was invited to church with a shop owner I had met my first day here in Ngorika. As I am sitting in church, I noticed that there is something "extra" going on. Granted I have never been to an Anglican Church before but there seemed to be an unusual amount of extra-well dressed people (which I am not one of) and an allergy attack full of flowers. Upon questioning my host explained to me that a triple wedding was taking place today DURING the service, a really cool thing the church does for couples who aren't able to afford a wedding of their own.
It simply goes to remind me that I need to be flexible and prepared for just about ANYTHING to happen over these next two years...
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Come This Far
We have come to it at last; induction. A time of expectation, celebration, and an oath of responsibility and commitment. Although I have the thrill of adventure and the excitement of the new before me, there is still a heavy weight of fear and anticipation. ‘Am I ready for this?’ clouds my thoughts.
Then I came across Henry Nouwen and his prophetic words, “Make the conscious choice to move the attention of your anxious heart away from the ‘waves’ and direct it to the One who walks on them.”
Bam.
I am reminded of David as he was faced with the doubts of King Saul that he can face Goliath and succeed. His reply; “As a shepherd, I have killed the lion and the bear that have come after my father’s sheep, what more can this Philistine, who threatens the people of the God-of-the-Angel-Armies, do to me?”
Look from where I have come! I have faced numerous challenges, and struggles, many of which few people will ever face, especially being only 23, and have overcome. What more is this next step that is ahead of me when I have He-Who-Created with me?
I’m not telling you it is going to be easy, I’m saying it is going to be worth it.
Then I came across Henry Nouwen and his prophetic words, “Make the conscious choice to move the attention of your anxious heart away from the ‘waves’ and direct it to the One who walks on them.”
Bam.
I am reminded of David as he was faced with the doubts of King Saul that he can face Goliath and succeed. His reply; “As a shepherd, I have killed the lion and the bear that have come after my father’s sheep, what more can this Philistine, who threatens the people of the God-of-the-Angel-Armies, do to me?”
Look from where I have come! I have faced numerous challenges, and struggles, many of which few people will ever face, especially being only 23, and have overcome. What more is this next step that is ahead of me when I have He-Who-Created with me?
I’m not telling you it is going to be easy, I’m saying it is going to be worth it.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Tuko Pamoja, Intertwining Twiga, and the Art of Togetherness
Tuko Pamoja, a little phrase in KiSwahili that I have come to love. Used as both a question and it’s response, it literally translates to “We are one”(or are we one?) but it is used to say “Are we together?” or “Are we of one mind?”
This last week we ran into a family of German’s in the marketplace. This brings about, as I have recently discovered, two irresistible urges. The first is a shameful, uncontrollable desire to yell “Mazunguu!”, and the other is a desire to make friends, something that I feel has to do with being a minority.
That evening, my host Baba and I were invited to a dinner gathering at one of the neighbor’s houses. Later, to discover that it was a feast in honour of that German family I witnessed earlier. As I found out during the Kenyan tradition of formal speeches, the German dad has spent several years forming relationships with the host and his family to develop services for the community. The host presented a gift to the family, a carved statuette of two giraffes whose bodies faced in one direction but with the necks turned behind them to face the opposite direction. It was ment to represent how each family, though in different places and headed in different directions in life, still have a connection in such a way that you cannot tell where one ends and one begins.
It is such a beautiful picture, and one that I can hope to work by as I continue on with my next to years in Kenya. That I may live in such a way, that you cannot tell where I end and my community begins…
This last week we ran into a family of German’s in the marketplace. This brings about, as I have recently discovered, two irresistible urges. The first is a shameful, uncontrollable desire to yell “Mazunguu!”, and the other is a desire to make friends, something that I feel has to do with being a minority.
That evening, my host Baba and I were invited to a dinner gathering at one of the neighbor’s houses. Later, to discover that it was a feast in honour of that German family I witnessed earlier. As I found out during the Kenyan tradition of formal speeches, the German dad has spent several years forming relationships with the host and his family to develop services for the community. The host presented a gift to the family, a carved statuette of two giraffes whose bodies faced in one direction but with the necks turned behind them to face the opposite direction. It was ment to represent how each family, though in different places and headed in different directions in life, still have a connection in such a way that you cannot tell where one ends and one begins.
It is such a beautiful picture, and one that I can hope to work by as I continue on with my next to years in Kenya. That I may live in such a way, that you cannot tell where I end and my community begins…
"God Will Provide": The Full Circle
During one of our outings we were visiting a family to see the process of building a pit latrine. While we were there, there was a discussion about the family participating in an economic development program, which apparently the family had declined because, as the mama put it, “God will provide.”
I was instantly angry. Why though? As a person in relationship with G-d shouldn’t I have faith that He will provide for this family and their situation?
The answer came in quite an unexpected way later that day. One of the current Volunteers was giving a talk and brought up that she had faced this same issue on several occasions. She described what another mama had told her when she was venting her frustrations, “Tell them this; It is written that God work for 6 days and THEN on the 7th day he rested.”
We should not expect that because we have faith in G-d that we will be free of problems, or that by behaving “properly” things will change for us. Yes, G-d does provide but He isn’t a wish dispenser; pray and he gives you everything that you asked for. G-d doesn’t work like that, and often he is more subtle, simply giving us an opportunity to work to achieve what we need.
It also works the other way. Possibly we see our problem and simply working really hard on it, maybe we will fix it on our own. However, even if we are able to another will inevitably pop up and take it’s place. It is meaningless to try (as Ecclesiastes states readily) if we are doing it on our own, by our own power. We need him still, even if it is simply for the peace that surpasses understanding.
It comes full circle. Faith without works is dead, but works without faith is equally meaningless.
I was instantly angry. Why though? As a person in relationship with G-d shouldn’t I have faith that He will provide for this family and their situation?
The answer came in quite an unexpected way later that day. One of the current Volunteers was giving a talk and brought up that she had faced this same issue on several occasions. She described what another mama had told her when she was venting her frustrations, “Tell them this; It is written that God work for 6 days and THEN on the 7th day he rested.”
We should not expect that because we have faith in G-d that we will be free of problems, or that by behaving “properly” things will change for us. Yes, G-d does provide but He isn’t a wish dispenser; pray and he gives you everything that you asked for. G-d doesn’t work like that, and often he is more subtle, simply giving us an opportunity to work to achieve what we need.
It also works the other way. Possibly we see our problem and simply working really hard on it, maybe we will fix it on our own. However, even if we are able to another will inevitably pop up and take it’s place. It is meaningless to try (as Ecclesiastes states readily) if we are doing it on our own, by our own power. We need him still, even if it is simply for the peace that surpasses understanding.
It comes full circle. Faith without works is dead, but works without faith is equally meaningless.
Coming, Going, and the Art of Seeing
The notion of duality continues to be in constant presence in my thoughts. Our silly human notions of what is good or bad, black and white. Are these always a constant in the “category” in which we place them? Why do they differ often dramatically even amongst people of the same faith system? And most importantly what does G-d say?
We are called to do what is RIGHT. Not “right” as being opposed to “wrong”, “bad”, or “evil”, I think it is more subtle than that, as in, “this is appropriate”, “this is better”, or “ this is in sync with LOVE”. It is having the right view, the right speech, the right intention, the right action, the right meditation.
It is learning to be HERE, present in each moment and notice what’s going on. Our obligation is to be in the ebb and flow of a LOVE relationship with G-d. Therefore, our real moral responsibility is being aware of the moment and leaving the hard and fast rules behind - we are no longer bound by the Law anyway. (Romans 8 v 2-3, Galatians 3, etc). Strictly follow any rule and it will bring you to confusion because there can be any number of contradictions and paradoxes.
Ex. Drinking –Jesus turned water into wine as a first miracle, you tell me they didn’t drink it afterward. Lying – What if it is to save lives (i.g. Gestapo’s asking you if you have Jews hiding in your attic). Marrying a Non-Christian – what if God tells you explicitly to do so (trust me I have stories). Etc, etc, etc.
Now I’m not saying go and do whatever, 1 Corinthians 10 v. 23: “Everything is permissible – but not everything is beneficial,” simply that, in the end, it’s not about the rules, what you’ve been “told is right” all your life, or what a preacher yells (sometimes hatefully) from a pulpit on the news. It’s about the situation, and whether or not your actions end in LOVE, because we are free when we love and are no longer bound by commands which lead to guilt (Galatians 5 v. 13-14). We cannot do wrong when our actions are loving.
Cause if they are that’s where G-d will be.
We are called to do what is RIGHT. Not “right” as being opposed to “wrong”, “bad”, or “evil”, I think it is more subtle than that, as in, “this is appropriate”, “this is better”, or “ this is in sync with LOVE”. It is having the right view, the right speech, the right intention, the right action, the right meditation.
It is learning to be HERE, present in each moment and notice what’s going on. Our obligation is to be in the ebb and flow of a LOVE relationship with G-d. Therefore, our real moral responsibility is being aware of the moment and leaving the hard and fast rules behind - we are no longer bound by the Law anyway. (Romans 8 v 2-3, Galatians 3, etc). Strictly follow any rule and it will bring you to confusion because there can be any number of contradictions and paradoxes.
Ex. Drinking –Jesus turned water into wine as a first miracle, you tell me they didn’t drink it afterward. Lying – What if it is to save lives (i.g. Gestapo’s asking you if you have Jews hiding in your attic). Marrying a Non-Christian – what if God tells you explicitly to do so (trust me I have stories). Etc, etc, etc.
Now I’m not saying go and do whatever, 1 Corinthians 10 v. 23: “Everything is permissible – but not everything is beneficial,” simply that, in the end, it’s not about the rules, what you’ve been “told is right” all your life, or what a preacher yells (sometimes hatefully) from a pulpit on the news. It’s about the situation, and whether or not your actions end in LOVE, because we are free when we love and are no longer bound by commands which lead to guilt (Galatians 5 v. 13-14). We cannot do wrong when our actions are loving.
Cause if they are that’s where G-d will be.
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