One thing that I have noticed about the gay community is that we often share a lot of similar traumas. Especially with gay males, there is a lot of turmoil surrounding masculinity and masculine acceptance (I understand I'm focused on a cis male perspective, but that is the life experience I have/can relate to at the moment and feel that I have any right in addressing). Whether that's lack of recognition from ones father, sexual abuse, bullying during school; we have often failed to be loved fully from the world around us. What I've seen (and in many ways this definitely applies to all humans really) we perpetuated these abuses onto the people we are trying to love.
In a majority of instances this is completely unintentional, but never-the-less it occurs. This could be because we don't recognise the very baggage we carry ourselves and haven't done the work necessary to put it down, so exhausted we subconsciously do things to pass that baggage off of our person onto someone else. Or, I feel, because of our past experiences we don't know how to express love because we were never properly shown what true love looks like.
So, often times we're looking for that single moment of truth, and epiphany as it were, of what we think love looks like. Many times it is completely wrong; butterflies in our tummies and that unforgettable high of blissful romance that will inevitably come crashing down when we realised they too are human.
And the circle and cycle begins again.
Things end and we "start over" often when things were never truly broken, we just assumed they were. 'There were just too many missing pieces' becomes the constant justification. Supposed irreparable mistakes.
Few things are truly irreparable when it comes to true love. I have seen this. A woman, complete with every reason to be scorned, hateful and bitter, looking at me from across a table we'd sat at so times before, to tell me that through it all; the tears, the sleepless nights, the feeling self-righteous, and at the same time completely worthless:
Love is louder then all your pain.
I want to break that cycle, to not perpetuate the hurts and demons I face. I'm sure it will not be easy, and i'll be asking for forgiveness and patience a lot. But I refuse to live anything short of purposefully in my life. I will live and love deeply and I hope everyone I count close in my life will do the same.
So,
'Tell me the words you long to hear
And I'll sing the loud and clear
Let me heal the wounds you've held on to for all these years
Break the cycle
Break the chains'
