Sleeplessness in the Face of the Unknown

I can't sleep. I will literally be boarding a plane in less than six hours to travel to the first part of my 6 week journey into a new country. Why can't I sleep?

Worry. No. Stress. No, that has past. Fear. Surprisingly, not at all.
Then what is it?!

While I was double checking my packing a song came onto the radio. I can't remember the name of the song or the artist but the words that I heard struck me. I don't even know If they are correct but this is what I heard:
Everyday I see the news, all the problems, bet we could solve them
but if the situation rises, we write them off, they should solve them
We could set it straight and go, I hope but all it is is
"I don't really like my phone..."
I don't even know if these are the correct words, or even what the rest of the song was about, but it bugged me. These last few weeks have been wonderful, seeing family and visiting friends before I leave, but one thing keeps bothering me; the advice.

I know the people in my life care about me and want to see me safe, but it's like they drowned out the entire reason I'm going. I'm not going there to be safe, this isn't a vacation...

The best way to describe my thoughts is by breaking down the song. What I feel that takes place are two ways of thinking. The first is that there are problems to be fixed, so we go for a few days/weeks do some good deeds and leave (set it straight and go').
What does this really do? There's no sustainability, there's no relationship,... something's missing.
The other tends to be diversion; 'Those people are lazy, if they just did this...' or 'that issue is to far away for me to worry about it' or [enter excuse here]. (we write them off, they should solve them)
Or simply the focus and find distraction in materialistic things. We let our thoughts be consumed about the newest and biggest, that the other issues that exist in the world get forgotten. (but all it is is 'I don't really like my phone').

I'm guilty of it, I don't know very many who aren't but I'm going to Peru to learn and understand what a life of poverty is. Taking a servant position beneath that the people who live there, in the hope that I can example Christ. This is the alternative road I wish to take. I'm nervous and yet excited about where it will lead me. Funny how a song can be a marvelous outline for things.

Please pray for me, brothers and sisters; that I may find answers while seeking God. These are just random bits of thoughts that are in my head as I prepare to leave, an aid to process them if you will. I thank you for all you support, and hope to see you in 6 weeks.

Much love.

Transition in the Presence of God

Change. At this moment it is the most illustrious thing in my life. Two significant eras of my existence on this planet have come to a close, but am I ready for it?

I have been privileged for the last to years to attend a beautiful university and graduate with a crisp piece of paper with an estimated cost of close to $10,000. I say this sardonically not out of ungratefulness or disrespect, for I am very thankful for the sacrifices, encouragement, and support of many people (especially my parents) enabling me to be one of the 1%of the global population to receive a higher education, but I say this as a man in reflection. What did I pay for? Yes, skills and knowledge that everyone says I needed, but I think that hefty sum of money paid for things that I could never have expect, things that very few get to encounter.

I left Oroville two years ago a very different individual. As someone once put it eloquently, I was "a human being on the fringes of my community." Everyone knew I was around. I existed on some level, but I wasn't completely connected. I wasn't happy, I wasn't a whole being. I'd seen several of my friends leave Oroville and when they returned on breaks they would profess how much they missed the community here. I believed them but I couldn't see it, I couldn't feel it myself.

Then I left.

I came to Sonoma State University, knowing no one. The freshest start one could imagine. I couldn't have possibly imagined how good and fruitful that new start would be. I connected with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and met amazing people. I fell into a community of believers with different backgrounds, different struggles, different loves. Yet, above all, had the same passion for God. I laughed, I loved, I cried. I made mistakes, and struggled with hard truths and realities, in tandem, that I feel most Christians wouldn't even put on their radar, and I found God.

I now have left that community that I love so dearly, friends that I could never replace, and an experience I would never sacrifice for anything in this world, to return to where I once started. I had hesitations to say the least. What if I slip back to who I was before? What if I don't find the same acceptance for who I am? Will loose sight of what I have learned? These last few days have been hard and there have been more than enough tears but I know this is where I am supposed to be for now.

John 21 v. 1-14 have been an encouragement it letting me know that I am in the right place. I will be leaving for a six week cultural emersion missions trip to Lima, Peru to live, partner with, and learn from the urban poor who live there. It will be a time of great trial and growth and I will see God in a whole new way and once again come back a different person than when I left. But in the time being I need to be in Oroville. In the verses mentioned above the disciples were facing a time of loss after Jesus' death, a time of transition from the way things had been. They saw God because they were where they knew to be, did what they knew to do, looked for Jesus' presence, and offered what they had. They were able to commune with God before they set out on the path God had laid before them that would take them through the rest of their life.

So that is where I am now. Things have changed dramatically from they way they were but no matter how difficult it may seem everything will be alright because I am in the presence of God.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29 v. 11

Shalom.