A Heart that Hurts

I have, yet again, found myself in an utterly unimaginable state of transition and within it attempting to recall the calmness I felt a little under a year ago.

Yet this time I cannot help but feel left unto the darkness. Not as a human trapped in a "can't-catch-a-breath/scared-out-of-my-mind" place, but feel as one caught in a state of roller-coastering bewilderment. I currently sit entrenched on the couch, after having spent the weekend being blessed with the presence of people I love incomprehensibly, feeling as if I have been trying to capture a fleeting memory of an existence that I no longer possess... of a life I no longer have the right to.

The analogy that comes to mind is of a man who has been handed a death sentence. With some I have left feeling as though the interaction was stifled. Unintentional as it might have been, I am left with the feeling of being kept at a distance, as if to keep the reality of my departure from having a greater impact. Others, I felt as though I was being gazed at as if it was the finale, that I would never be witnessed again.

And yet some, leaving me feeling bemused but still loved, took a moment to seek a piece of spiritual advice, or push a difficult conversation to see me as I am, or sat next to me in silent understanding.

Little actions keep speaking the deepest comfort to my heart, and leave my head spinning. I don't know what the next few weeks will hold for me as I await and prepare for this next adventure, but I sincerely hope that they possess the surprises I need and that will keep my head spinning.