Stories

Tell me your stories
Tell them to me with words you've never said out loud.
Paint a picture of your history on a canvas of which to be proud.

Speak with a vibrancy that you picked up as you walked through life alone.
Rip the floor from beneath my feet, shake me and drop me like a stone.

Wrap me around your finger and break the silence open wide.
Pull me through the hills and valleys, keeping up to you with stride.

I might have hit a wall and found myself lost for words.
But it's not a fault to be dumbstruck
So give me breath and fill me up, my dear.
Lift me up and give me wings to rise above this funk.

Thankfulness

It's about counting the steps from where you are to where you started.
It's reviewing the path of life that you have been on and what it has taken to get there.
It's knowing the Rocks that have remained underfoot, those that have remained steady for you.
It's the acknowledgment that their presence have made all the difference for you.

It's also recounting the treacheries and catchments that have come your way.
It's knowing the power they held against you, and yet knowing that without them you would not know what it means to overcome.
It's remembering that the hardship they brought you has refined you and made you stronger.

It's reminiscing about the past, being satisfied with the present, and celebrating what it to come.
It takes thought, effort and a touch of humility.
It's makes all the difference

What are you thankful for?

Worth It.

I've seen more than you can even relate to and come to find
That fighting for morality for morality's sake will get us nowhere.
I don't wanna show my face here anymore.
In these streets, to be the topic of awkward, hometown conversation.

This is who I am and who I'l be.
I've fought for it harder than most.
I won't be told what's supposed to be right,
I'll find it out for myself, through discovery and struggle.

It takes getting everything you've ever dreamed of and loosing it
To truly know what Freedom is.
There's no use in talking with people that have never left home,
They don't understand what it's like to seek safety in other people.

To have everyone love you and care about you, but to never quite belong to anyone.
Having a chameleon soul, I'd spent years trying to adapt to what came.
Always trying to stay out of trouble, but never getting to feel what life is.
I will have it this way no longer, no longer will I have a war in my mind.

I have nothing to loose anymore and nothing to gain.
Except the desire to make my life into a canvas, a work of art.
I believe in the kindness of strangers, and the beauty of the broken
Finding solace even in the darkest of places.

Will this make you run away or will you stay, even though it hurts?
I've spent most of my life turning my cheek for cheeks sake
But now, this is my life, and I've fought for the Truth harder than most
I've broken through webs of lies, this is what I've come to.

And it was worth it.

Questions

What is your reason for getting up in the morning?
What gives breath to your lungs? Makes you take that next step?
What gives you hope to face the monsters in your path?

What gives you purpose? A reason to smile?
Is it the tender touch of the sun upon your skin?
Is it fitting into that little red dress? That pound lost?
Is it the feeling of iron in your hands? That next big pay check?

What would you do if you had a little bit of money? A little passion in you heart?
What difference would you try to make? Who's life would you change?
What makes your heart stop up tight?
Who's hand would you hold? Lips would you kiss, if you had 15 last seconds?

What do you know of this life? What things have you seen, places have you been?
Have you seen any of darkness out there? Felt the sting of pain, grief, regret?
Have you seen where the demons hide?

What do you do to forget? What would you do to remember always?
What emotions would you seek to relive again?
What dangers would you face to have it all again?

How do you get yourself back home?

Staring Up at the Sun

I stood up to the Sun
I told him all of the crazy things that he'd done
He shot back with a blazing brilliance
Melting my wings of wax, powerfully expressing his resilience

Stranded on my little island, I stared up to see
The light of my heart started to tremble, everything I knew fading out of me
I thought of all the people, places and things I've loved
I can't loose myself tonight, me being the one you're thinking of

A million feet, I'll keep climbing
Without weight to hold me down, I'll keep on flying
Love and life within my veins
After all, they say, the best love is the kind that keeps on trying

Even if the best of the fields burns down around me
It won't matter, I no longer have to count the stars to be.
"Seek me out, and ye shall find", if I didn't, I would not be that bold.
Me, I'm tired of simply doing as I'm told

Day in and night out, I've been loosing sleep,
Dreaming of the things humanity could be if we weren't sheep.
If doing wrong didn't feel so right
Then every human wouldn't be in such a plight

I'm a little wiser now, from what you've shown me
It's been a long time coming, but my mind is free
I was a lonely soul, but that's the old me
I'm feeling better since you showed me who I can be.

I Swear I Lived

There was a day I remember. I remember it well.
I was young, feckless and wild, my heart set in stone
It was a day that the world seemed to open up to me.

And it all started, with nothing but a simple blessing.

My wise old one turned to me. He turned to me and said, "Mzadi. Child, don't you worry.
Even when is seems to be, you're not broken just bent.

Heaven has a plan for you, but it is not set in stone.  Take the steps and the paths of your life will wind their way before you.  Where ever your life takes you, this, this is my prayer:

'May you take that leap, and feel not the fall
That Fear falls out of breath behind you, and nothing to you seems pall
I hope that you fall in love, and that it hurts so bad
That the only way to know it was worth it was to give them all that you had

I hope that when the walls cave in and all those around you choose to run,
You hold your ground, standing alone amidst the rays of the sun
May you spend all of your days, but they all seem to add up
So when people cheer, its your name we hear, when they raise their glasses up.

I hope that you see the world and all it's wonders
That you see so many places, from the glories of the oceans, to the plains and their thunders

Mzadi, Child. I wish that I could be witness,
To all your joys and all your pains.
To always be there to catch you, and never leave you crying in the rain

I pray you never suffer, yet let pain be your guide.
For the worries of this life will ever teach you, bringing light to what's inside.

Own every second that this life could give
So that when anyone asks, you can say.

'I swear, I lived''"

What I Want

I want an end to the culture wars.

Where the Church is not politically minded, concerned with the ebbs and flows of partisanship, but rather emphasises the Kingdom, as a whole, over one party or even one country.

I want a community that doesn't hide behind Dogma and traditional precedence.  That doesn't spout rote answers to my hard-pressed, struggled for questions! A community where I can feel safe to ask the tough questions that plague my mind and to wrestle with the doubt that squeezes at my chest.

Give me a people who value and challenge each other to strive for lives of integrity and holiness;  where living lives of consumeristic simplicity, of reconciliation and rehabilitation over incarceration, of protection of creation, of peacemaking, of care for the oppressed, is pursued over living lives that are little more than sticking to a list of rules.

I long to feel like I don't have to choose between my intellectual integrity and my faith. So there can be a harmony between science and faith.

I want a Church that is known for what it stands for, fights for, not what it is against.  One that is seen as a body of compassion and caring for the human person, not hostile and unwelcoming. Where my LGBT friends can feel TRULY welcome within my faith community, not shunned by it.

Please, stop trying to churn out edgier music, a more laid-back service, coffee-shops and stores in the foyer, more "trendy" pastors. It's all light shows and noise,  a performance that nobody is buying.

People aren't interested because its not "cool" enough.
I don't want to be associated with Christianity because it's old-fashioned or backwards. I don't want to be associated with it cause I don't feel like I'm find Jesus there....

Where My Place Is

I don't know where my place is
Cause where I once thought I knew all the answers, and held all the keys
Is the place where I lost you, somewhere on my knees

I thought I knew where my heart was
But where I once swam in a deep sea of forgiveness, and held all the love
Is the place where I'm drowning, looking for heaven above

It's a chemistry I'm bound to
Bouncing between the left and the right
Because when it wants what it wants, the heart will fight

I don't know what this taste is
Cause where I once feasted in friendship, and wrapped it in splendor
Is the place where heart feels reserved, have I filled it with cancer

I don't know what my use is
Where I once thought I felt all the passion, and held a desire to follow
Is the place where I'm wondering, why everything feels so hollow

It's a chemistry I'm bound to
Turns out, I needed you now much more then you need me
Because when it wants what it wants, the heart will flee

Open Your Eyes

Open your eyes now. Oh, can't you see.
You had everything you should have ever wanted
The hope; to live, love and lead.

How could you have been so blind.
Was it a slow fade, or a quick drop to the bottom.

She was your star, now, she's your scar, now.
You let her bleed.

There's no point in saying the things you've heard a thousand times from better men then I.
I'm not one to judge,
What have I to make me better.

Yet forgiveness isn't one that comes so easily
It's a daily decision to cast down the nets you hold
The ones that tangle, wrap and bind

As simple as it was, I hope you're a better man now for it.

You've opened my eyes now. Oh, can't you see
I had everything I should have ever wanted
The hope; to live, to love, and lead

I held everything to close, when I should have let it go.
Things that were my stars, now, they're my scars, now.
I let them bleed

As simple as it was, I pray I can be a better man now for it

It may be to late for me, I can't be what is needed for me to be.
It's to late to see if you can reach me

Yet, I'll do what I can, to stay true to the end
To who I was, and with who I am
I hope that will make me the better man.

Pieces

I have left pieces scattered around, far and wide.

Some in places close at hand and others in lands, distant, green, and wild.

Sometimes, I feel them shifting and stirring. They are uncontrolled, relentless, leaving a burning deep at the core. They are in the eyes of little children, and in the hands of dear friends. They have empowered me, devoured me, lifted me, and left me numb.

They are the pieces of me.

But what is required of me, desired of me? I lay awake recounting the faces, the stories, the names.  Wondering if they think of me as much as I them.  Laughter, sadness, joy, disgrace.  The memories that bind us, shaped us, most of all, made us.

What are they now, these relationships? 

I have tried to leave every one of them better then when they were first encountered. Better for having known me.

How do express their meaning to me? With what words do I describe how much I feel them in my heart, longing to be with them? That they are with me, constantly; a plague of wonderful thoughts. 

Is there anymore left to go around? 

Mama Never Told Me

Mama never told me there would be days like these.
When you're pushed so hard you fall to your knees.

No longer able to tell what's wrong from right,
When this knot between my ribs is strung up tight

Tomorrow seems but way too far away
All I can dream for, is what was yesterday

Reminiscence has become a shameful and shadowy thing
Indicating the lacking of a grateful being

So I will wrestle with my trembles and turn them to rages.
For troubles come and go that will seem to last for ages.

I will bear the eyes to stare without recoil,
At the sadness in this life, full to bursting with blood and toil.

'Cause your head is full of sadness and your heart full of pain.
When you feel like all that's going on is you're drowning in the Game

Take this moment, yes, take this chance
Fill your heart, and risk to dance.

Bare it to the world that rejects you
and embrace humanity's fall completely, through and through

That little demon that stops brave men in their tracks
Failure - the one that leaves the heart open with a couple cracks

What Were You Expecting?

Please don't follow me, oh!
You're just too 'perfect' for me to know.
And I don't want to take your 'innocence.'

If you choose to act this way,
You've gone and thrown it all away.
And what were you expecting?
Another lullaby? Are you kidding?

Your tears won't change a thing.
There is nothing that will take away THIS sting.
So, you'll wonder where to go from here.
Blinded, caught, and stuck in fear.

I've been here many times before.
Fighting, 'til you hit the floor.
Caught swinging from your blind side, you only have yourself to blame.

This nightmare comes only at your call.
You've set yourself to runnin' toward a wall.
Aching for things you never understood,
Now you're not but a child lost in the wood.
and I told you, you should have walked away!

Placed in this corner, miles in the wrong direction.
Faced with uncertainty, you should have sought correction.
I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong,
I don't count myself among that throng.

Life is better when you live for 'sorry' not 'safe'
I never was the guy to play tough,
but I was the one to say, "Enough is not enough!"

It was never my intention to let you down,
All I ever wanted was the chance to stick around.
I'd tell you, but you're not one to believe it.

Stuck when you can't 'achieve' it.

So I don't want your pity, it'll just go to waste.
I don't want your piety, cause I don't like the taste.
'Cause there's a fine line between love and hate,
It is time to shake the silence before its to late.

With a flick of your tongue, you twist the world around you.

All of it continues to haunt you,
It's the spider and you're the fly,
That you'll have to give 'the others' in this world a try.

I have no simple answer that will 'at ease' your mind,
There is nothing in this world that will answer what you seek to find!
What do you want from me? Another lullaby? Are you kidding?

Everything about you makes me wanna scream.
But there is no awaking from this waking dream

Strange Faces

It seemed like yesterday we spoke on the phone.
Now, I stare at these pictures on the wall.
Filled with life, beauty, gall.

Familiar as they are, they are strange faces.
Distant memories from what was but a year ago.
And it seems to me our youth is running low.

A hole has formed within this canvas I tried to paint.
What has changed in these strange faces?
It's as if I'm just chasing time, changing paces.

I can't go back, and frankly I don't want to.
Still, I need to keep these memories of mine,
To show me how to leave the past behind.

Sometimes I feel like a vagrant,
That, in my hometown, I'll become the topic of awkward conversation.
All this work and I have yet to see compensation.

So now, I bear eyes upon them with out recoil.
Staring into past souls of those I have called, "Friend."
Days I pray that won't be forgotten, turned to just a trend.

Aspiring to the Median

I can say with the utmost honestly that the last few months of readjustment have been some of the hardest existential struggles I have had in my life.  In some ways I feel like I am back in High School, angst-ily trying to figure out who I am.  Other times I feel like I'm back in college, full of faith reckoning and finding out how my spiritual, social, and experiential views can coincide.

I am half Agony and half Hope and the Universe, at this moment often feels torn, twisting, an ungiving wasteland.

People talk to me of sacrifice, of the time I spent in Africa, and how much was taken from me.  Some even stating, or wondering, if maybe I was not meant to go, that the difficulty I faced to even get into the Peace Corps was a sign I wasn't meant to go, that I mistook the Call to leave with my own desires for volunteerism and justice.

This of course I don't see as true, I was meant to go, and gain much from my time there.  It was my great joy to go, to be used up for a purpose I recognised as a mighty one.  I, however, cannot look at my life and actions as a sacrifice or else I am receiving the glory -- not God.

If I continue look at my circumstances as what was taken from me, I risk being nothing more than a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making ME happy. As if I was the centre of it!

Instead I want to be a force of nature, a powerhouse to be reckoned with.

Troubles I have, no matter how difficult and dark and seemingly consuming of my life they might be, I have been promised more. These are light and momentary, achieving for me more then I can see right now.

So "Keep the earth below my feet ... / Help me learn from where I have been / Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn."

Call me Mara

As someone who is usually pretty out-going and generally upbeat and positive these last few weeks have been incontrovertibly difficult for my spirit.  For uncontrolled reasons I find myself, simply put; sad.

Ever since I have returned to America I feel like there is a war raging within my body, as seemingly rivalling identities and world-views battle to reach an equilibrium. As I try to find answers and turn to the place and the Body I have so many times ran to in the past, I feel as if I'm proverbially being turned away.

That no matter how hard I try I can't find rest.  In this place between Heaven and Hell I feel I have no home.

As I turned to the Book for guidance I was drawn to Ruth. Though I do not feel I have answers or even peace, the words of Naomi stuck in my mind and seem to describe what I feel inside:

"...call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt bitterly with me. I went away full and have been brought back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord testifies against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me."

I feel like I left for Africa full of hope, energy and Passion, yet have returned feeling helpless, doubtful, and in some ways empty.  As I enter through the doors of the Body I feel the pointed fingers of condemnation, rather then the extended arms of healing. Will I feel like a child of God again or am I doomed to feel separated forever?

One Thing Remains

Today completed my official move up to the Beaver State (keep all dirty jokes to yourself**) in literally the hub of Duck Country and I couldn't be more stoked.

It has, however, been quite the whirlwind. It's hard to wrap my mind around the turns my life has taken in the last 2 months, and I know some people I love are struggling too.  Many have asked me some serious questions that I simply haven't been able to answer completely, especially as to why I am moving so far, so fast.

The simplest answer is I'm worn.  I am currently a broken human being (literally in some senses), walking around trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy.  I spent nearly 9 months witnessing, at points in time, the weight of what the world can bring.  I've seen some of the darkest states a human being can be brought to and not be able to do a blessed thing.  I've seen the brightest hope in a child's eyes, and the darkest flame burning in the soul of a man as his hope fails him. And then I was suddenly ripped out of that world as if I had never been there...

Part of the reason that I left Oroville and California in general is to escape.  Not from problems or anything like that but to escape "normal".  I prepared my mind and heart to be gone, away, separate, from that which I knew and was comfortable with, for two years and then was abruptly placed back into that existence as though nothing had happened.

 I felt pressure to be me as people knew me before, but I am simply not me as I was before.

And my heart is heavy.  I find myself facing a brick wall of anxiety in places that I am supposed to feel at rest and home in. Continually tired from the effort it takes to keep on breathing and to meet the expectations placed on me.

My knowledge tells where I am supposed to find rest,  I am simply weary and struggling to lift my eyes up.  I desire to know a song can rise from the ashes of my deeply held dream I believed to be being fulfilled.  To be reminded that redemption wins.

But that takes time.  So, I took my life to a place partially removed from my old life so that I can have the space to find what I have lost, and find the strength to rebuild what I can.  My heart may be frail and torn, but my hope is to rediscover the One Thing that Remains through all the trial and the change.






**but not really, just send them to me privately =P

I believe,....

We are temporary - Live like it

Everyone matters - Act as if everyone is better then you.

It's important to debrief with someone you trust occasionally -  Things influence you more then you think, as well as there is value in a secondary view-point.

Acceptance isn't bad - But don't let the need for it influence your decisions about yourself.

A counterfeit friend is worse than an enemy - Evaluate your relationships occasionally. 

Eternity is in our hearts - Give it out to others.

We should live outwardly and on purpose - So that when your gone, others will miss you, and not just your friends.   

Crying doesn't indicate weakness - but it doesn't solve your problems either.

A bad outcome is not determinant of the future - Don't be afraid to make decisions.

The only thing that matters is your relationship with God - Don't let others opinions or voices block it out.

Every season passes sooner then we mean for it to - Never neglect telling others how much they mean to you.

Love is a verb, not a noun - Do.

A Loss of Innocence

Being back in the States has left me with a lot of time to think and ponder; both about my time in Africa as a whole and in relation to the series of events that have led to my return.  Part of the healing process has involved coming to terms with a number of truths; a component of which involves recognising the losses that I have sustained, both direct and primary, and conceptual and secondary.

A number have been rather obvious, such as the loss of normal vision, and the fact that I was removed from a long-term dream that I spent years trying to achieve.

Yet one of the large losses that I have sustained, that is more conceptual and haven't recognised, is a loss of innocence. In a lot of ways this can be a good thing; I won't gallop through life willy-nilly anymore without consideration of possible dangers, etc. Yet it also has darkened my once more positive outlook on the character of humans.  For example; where I would have once been more trusting or open with strangers I have found myself more reserved or mistrustful, even in "safe" situations.

In part, I am grieving for the view of the world I once held, now that it is no longer there.

Another piece to this is the loss of naivety about how the world works, which is more involved with my overall stay in Kenya. My once more go-get'er view on life has been shaken. Of course I never thought change was easy, but I think I was more hopeful that when people (Kenyan and not) see a lifestyle or behavioural change that is better in the long run, there is inclination for change. Or that everyone has a inclination of generosity/selflessness, which is definitely not the case.

In any matter, it is the struggle to find truth and stay positive in the midst of hard times and to continue to seek God in the little things as well as the big.

Shadows At the Foot of My Door

I can see the shadows at the foot of my door.
Hoping and praying that I don't have to fight them anymore.

When, in times like these, I wake from panicked sleep.
My heart racing with the time is has to keep.

I don't know how to live in THIS world anymore
After having wandered from this shore.

I used to stand firm in a world full of belief.
Now my world's been left in shambles at the hands of a thief.

Is this the nature of the broken?
Left to wonder searching for this Spirit of the Chosen.

Or do I now just stand alone?

A journey through which to find a purpose
While feeling the weight of it all seeming worthless.

These roads don't show the answers, in this,
The middle of my reckoning time.

The Beautiful Struggle

I wasn't always one just for thinking,
So I always had something to believe in.
Could never understand the belief
That nothing was even out there.

Now I've seen and heard stories
Of people without love, hope and glory;
Punching holes in everything I used to take for granted.

I can't be sure of the way that I am anymore.

Here is a beautiful struggle;
One between who I am now and who I once was.
An attempt to balance the things I've newly discovered
and the things I've know for a long time but never publicly uncovered

Truly there are things that I feel, that I can't conceive.
Of duty and faith and a new way to grieve,
I see a whole new world, one full of beauty and of pain.
Yet, I feel hope running through me

But I can't reconcile with the doubts that are within me.

Yet I've come to learn that life
Isn't simply waiting for the storm of strife
To lift its wicked head, but learning to dance amidst the rain.

The Sad Lion

There is a sad lion on the plains of Africa.

He was once a symbol strong, of power and of courage;

A force to be reckoned with, and not to be discouraged.

He left, at a moment of maturity, the unit of his birth.

He travelled far and wide, a nomad searching for a home.

Feeling as though he'd ever wander, until he found his own.

He found himself among a group of lions.

So Fierce, stubborn, and strong

He was happy, whole, and vital not invisible in the throng.

He had a family new, and watched it grow so mighty.

Based on teamwork, solidarity, and friendship; nothing could compare

To this lovely group of lions, who tried to live without a care.

Then another group of beasts, they came, to challenge the lion and his friends

With clubs they came and beat him, and left with nothing gained.

They left them there all in tatters, only further to be pained.

His injuries were severe, his face a terrible mess

So the game wardens came to intervene,

and take him from his Team

He's now so far away, taken from his Pride.

Hopeful, but uncertain, of the picture that's far to wide.

Things Fall Apart (and It'll Be OK)

Exactly two months ago, I had little notion that my whole world would be flipped on it's head.  I had an amazing job with Peace Corps, and was ready to dive into another year and a half's work within my village and with some amazing people. Then three people changed all that.

In a matter of five minutes, the actions of three men diverted the course of my life, removed me from my job, my friends, and took away my healthy vision. 

Two and a half weeks and two surgeries later, I found myself on a plane back to America, which was ultimately the most painful journey I have, as of yet, experienced. From there I have had to see several doctor's, do a tremendous amount of waiting, and the hardest part of all; keep a positive mind and not wallow in self-pity and worry about the future. Yet after two and a half months a decision had to be made concerning my service with Peace Corps.  It was a long and agonising process but one that I hope is the best thing for me.

I am sad to let you all know that I am officially being separated from my Peace Corps service and I am making my way back to the West Coast on Wednesday.

It has been an awful battle in my mind. The hardest part, of course, is seeing a huge dream of mine come to an end but the one thing that has kept me from loosing it is coming to realise that sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.  I don't know what the future will hold for me but I know that it will come together for my good.

Sometimes it feels like I'm giving up, and maybe some people will see it that way. However, I have been through a lot and had to come to realise (overcoming my pride to do this) that, sometimes, letting things go doesn't indicate weakness but rather shows you are strong enough and brave enough lo let go.

Peace Corps is tough and if it were easy, everyone would do it.  That's why I look to my fellow PCVs as a group of the bravest, strongest, and sometimes most stubborn, people that I know. I love them dearly and am so pained to have left them behind on a beautiful continent called Africa.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it."

~Maya Angelou

Far from Heaven

Seems like not very long ago it was a fever.
I was a cold-sweat, hot-headed Believer
I'd through my hands in the air and say, "Show me something."
and He'd say, "I dare you to come closer."

Not sure how to feel anymore
There was something in the way I used to feel You move.
It made me feel like I couldn't live without you.
I wanted You to stay

Now around and around and around I go
Not sure, now what I should know.
When now it doesn't feel like much of a life that I'm living
I didn't want it to be something taken, simply given.

I'm not really sure how to feel about it all
There's something about the way I'm moving
It's making me feel like I can live without you
It's taking me away

The reason I hold on
It's cause I need this hole gone
Can you recognise me?
Something's gone inside me and I can't get it back

I wait with good intentions, but I feel like I'm too far gone
It's funny when you're the broken one and needing saving,
looking the light, it's hard to know when you're caving.

Masaai Mara - Best Safari EVER!

This is a post I meant to do earlier but I didn't have access to the following photos and internet to post.

There are many Wildlife reserves in Kenya, some have a greater number of certain types of animal.  Among those is Maasai Mara. Not one of the most well known of Kenya, it is most famous for it's connection to the Maasai people, which many tourists go to witness the people's keeping to "traditional" lifestyle; circular mud and stick housing, dress, bead work, and dance ceremonies.

The Park also has an amazing amount of a variety of animals and is most famous for the great Wildebeest Migration to and from the Serengeti in Tanzania.

The group of us that went, went for a two day game tour and we got probably the luckiest Safari ever.  The only things that could have made it better would have been seeing a rhino, an actual take down, or a live birth. Otherwise we saw just about everything!

This is the first guy we saw:

This captures simply a part of the epicness that was this scene; cheetahs, giraffes, coyote, zebra, warthogs, and antelope all in the same area! The coyote was one brave dude.

Cheethat with her four cubs:

 Water buffalo are real common and freakin scary. Built like tanks and they just stare at you.

Momma Elephant and her baby, he was learning how to use his trunk.

 I was so excited to see this bad boy. Jaguars are one of the coolest animals, this one had killed and antelope the day before and you could see it hanging from the tree.

This is a Topi. It is one weirdly beautiful creature.

ZEBRA! Need I say more?

Male Ostrich. Fun fact: their legs turn a brilliant pink during the mating season. Let's the ladies know he's ready to tango.

We also went to the river where there were hundreds of Hippos. These bad boys are scary.

 Brilliant coloured lizards just chilling by the choo

Monkey's are cool, but really their pests. Darn guys steal your food.

At the way back to the campsite we came across momma lions and their cubs. Later we saw the Big Daddy protecting the meat kill they made. These guys are too cute.

These were the tents we stayed in

Roommates!

All together it was an amazing experience and a once in a life time opportunity that I was so privileged to be apart of.  Sadly, it may have ruined Zoos for me....

Two Sides of the Same Coin

Gratitude.

That's where a lot of our mindsets as humans, especially mine, need to start and end.  We're to busy with what we're feeling at a given moment to take a step back and look at the bigger picture surrounding the emotional situation we are in.

The emotional situation I am currently in is restlessness and the feeling of stagnation.  If there's one thing I've learned through living through the Peace Corps experience it is patience. Now, mind you that doesn't mean I don't get frustrated and anxious when I'm waiting for things to happen, it has simply made me realise that when you're involve with the government, especially Peace Corps, there is a lot of waiting around and then when things get moving, they REALLY get moving.

However, talking with a wonderful friend of mine the other day, I began to remember the simple importance of being thankful, even when things don't seem to being going well.

Yes, somedays I have too much free time being stuck in a hotel room cause it's too stormy outside. Yes, I'm not currently working on things that I really desire to be doing or living where I prefer to be. Yes, I fall down stairs, run over old ladies, and embarrass myself reaching for objects that are actually five inches to the left.

Yet at the same time how much do I complain that I don't get enough breaks when I am busy and doing the work that I desire?  How much do I complain when it's 110 degrees outside and my flesh is burning off?  And lets face it how much do I really injure and embarrass myself anyway, even with normal vision?...

It's time to be grateful that I can see Washington D.C., that I have amazing medical (and Peace Corps) staff taking care of me, and that I'm whole, safe, and, I don't mean to brag, but look dang good with my new professionally done hair cut.  What uuup!?

Say What You Need To Say

We all know about actionary iniquity.  Where we do something that we shouldn't; but there is an iniquity that I know of and realise I do a little to often, and that is the iniquity of omission. The act of NOT doing something when we should.  

This is a story of a time when I acted, all while trying not to vomit from nerves...

Living here in DC has given me an experience that I've never had before; using the Metro.  I generally like being able to travel the Metro, mostly because I like people watching, and you get all types of  people down there. The other day I was riding back from the movie theatre having just watched Lincoln and having very justice oriented mentality.  I'm sitting in the seats waiting for my stop when three 20-somethings get onto the train. They are talking and joking around, somewhat crudely, and one of them uses the 'n' word towards the other.

I hate that word, obviously when it's used in hate, but I still hate it even if it is used amoungst the African American community towards each other. Now I understand the notion of "taking the word back" to try and reduce it's hateful power, but that word, or any other racist, sexist or other slur, is never used in a "good way" -- it is dehumanizing and destructive in any context, and I believe should be corrected when anyone uses it.

So there was my conundrum.  Do I sit there and let it slide, or do I stand up and advocate against the use of that word? Of course thoughts against stepping in are running through my mind; what will they think of me? What place do I have as a White guy telling them they shouldn't use that word, one that has been rather engrained into the culture? 

What do I do?

The anger over injustice and hate that I had just come from seeing in Lincoln, and some unusual bit of confidence won out.  Surprisingly (or at least it seemed) they were rather receptive, a little defensive at first, but they listened to what was on my heart. 

Now, I doubt that I stopped them from ever using that word again, and they more then likely used it again that same day, but hopefully an impression was made cause someone stood up.  People don't do that enough, for various reasons, but the older I get and the more injustices I see, I believe that if you have a correction to speak to someone, you have an obligation to stand up and say something.  It can be very difficult because oftentimes no matter how cautiously you choose your words, someone will always twist them around and misinterpret what you say. 

But you need to just say what you need to say.

Demons

I fell to my knees as I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Feels like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than to simply get lost in my own selfish thinking

Tragedy seems unending
As I watch people I looked up to bending and breaking
Taking shortcuts and false solutions
To hide the truth and appear to come out the hero

I want to know what it would be like to find perfection
To see beyond my pride, to see nothing in the Light
Sometimes I wonder if I'm better off just hitting the bottom
To stop hiding how I truly feel to attempt to come out the hero

No matter what we breed
We are still made greatly of greed
Who knows what's right
The lines keep growing thinner

I don't want to let you down
But sometimes I feel as if I'm hell bound
As if it's woven into my soul
This is my kingdom come.

That through this masquerade
All will come crawling out through this mess I've made
Look into my eyes, but don't get too close, it's dark inside
It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide

Thank You For Your Service

When I started out my morning yesterday I definitely didn't expect to be both honoured and blessed in one trip to the optometrist. As you all know the damage to my lenses was rather intense:

Therefore it was necessary to get a replacement so I headed down to LensCrafters assuming this would be a completely normal visit. It started out fairly normal, typical questions of what happened, followed by sentiments of apology and concern for my well-being. All very well meant of course, but honestly it's hard to feel pitied all the time.

While the doctor was taking measurements and assessing all the details for replacement we started chatting about Peace Corps and some of my work over the last few months, and she was telling me about a programme that LensCrafters does to get prescriptions to people both overseas and in America that cannot afford glasses that she was privileged to be apart of.

It turned out that the repairs to the glasses were going to be a little more expensive then either of us imagined and the amount Peace Corps was going to allot would only cover about half of the total cost so the rest was going to be on me. The doctor turns to me and says, "one second I'll be right back." She's gone for about five minutes and returns saying, "No worries, it's all taken care of."  Needless to say I was completely taken aback and asked why.

She told me that she was proud of me for joining Peace Corps and thinks that the work we do is amazing and extremely worthwhile. She wanted to help me out because she thinks we get so little acknowledgement for the work that we do, and of course felt sorry for what happened to me, so she used her 50% discount to reduce the price so that it would be covered by Peace Corps and not have to come out of my pocket. Of course I was completely speechless and could barely find my voice to thank her.

Being a Peace Corps volunteer is an amazing experience in many ways, but even as a volunteer it is easy to forget that I am serving my country. Today I was blessed and reminded how special my job is, and all because I needed to get my glasses fixed.

These Hard Times

These few weeks have been rough. In a lot of ways they have been adventurous and I've gotten opportunities that I didn't think I'd get for a while, like being able to see family and friends I didn't believe I would see for a long time.

However, I find myself fighting depression.

Everything is unbelievably unknown. I'm facing having a long term dream crumble down around me and possibly come to and end. I'm miles away from friends that I love so much and are continuing an amazing journey without me. I find myself riding a roller coaster of emotions that change with the slightest instance. All the while trying to look through the smoke where the answers and the truth seem like they have cut their ties.

It's not clear to me anymore the answers to the ugliness that I feel.  I want the answers to what I need.
I feel like I'm hiding in the shadows, afraid of the light. I feel like I'm simply standing on the outside of where I'm meant to be and the door has been slammed shut in my face.

All I can do is pray.

   Give me the answers
   Give me the way out
   Give me the faith to believe in these hard times

   Show me which way to move
   Show me motivation
   Show me all my heart desires, when I feel like you're not around

   For I'm a troubled mind and a callused heart
   A failing engine that was trying way to hard
   Always second-guessing that little voice I used to hear
 
   I'm finally broken from falling to far
   Burning up, I'm trying to pick up the pieces and searching for healing from the scars
   I ask you take this cup from me cause the fear of the future is stealing all my sleep
 
   Help me in this hour of doubt and darkness
   Cause who I am affects not just me
   So give me the strength, so that love can finish telling this tale.

Breathe For Love Tomorrow

Take a breath, breathe in deep.
Feel the air of today enter your lungs
It's vision, let it seep fully into your mind.
A today full of hate, intolerance, persecution, belligerence and strife.
Where mindless violence fills the news, and a call for more arms fills our views.

West, take a stand, lose your complacency.
You've stood on the backs of slaves long enough!
Oh how the rest of the World watches as you take everything you want
and still remain unsatisfied.

Lose your mindset of dependency.
You've allowed your leaders to keep you down long enough, buying into their corruption.
You are people full of strength, courage, and potential
Rise and use the resources availed to you.

Take a breath and breathe in deep.
Feel the electricity of potential run through your body.
It's vision, let it seep fully into your mind.
A tomorrow where love, diversity, peace, empathy, and freedom reign supreme
Where people live with an open-mind, and selfishness no-one can find

Breathe for love tomorrow
With the Hope we have for today

Forgiveness As A Four Letter Word

The theme of forgiveness has been a constant blip on my radar over these last few weeks. It's something that rarely gets discussed in detail yet is a concept that has influence on our lives constantly.

And it's messy.

Sometimes forgiveness is an act that has awe-inspiring power.  We hear stories of amazing acts of forgiveness that leave us questioning, "Could I ever do that?" Other times stories of un-forgiveness leave us cheering because we believe the act to be completely justifiable, even consider justice to have been served. Occasionally we even find ourselves angry at someone else because they aren't showing forgiveness when we believe it is deserved or called for.

We should never forget the forgiveness takes time.

When bad things happen or our done to us we have a right to be angry. I have a right to be angry at the individual who's actions physically harmed me and took me away from my work and a continent and country that stole my heart.

I don't have a right to let my actions from my angry bring harm to another.

Forgiveness takes time and practice.  Very few people (and I applaud you if you can) are able to simply wake up the next morning and decide to be ok with everything. Sometimes you have to remind yourself daily that you forgive that person.

Holding on to the hurt/anger/pain only hurts you, not them.  It eats you up inside and influences your emotions not theirs. Forgiveness is choosing to put down the thing that is binding you to them negatively and walking away...

It's Love.

Two Weeks, Two Surgeries, and Ten Thousand Miles Later...

Needless to say my Peace Corps experience has been far from normal and eight months ago I would never have expected to be back in the states having lived through bucket baths, safaris, crazy food, living in a utility closet, swam in the Indian ocean, had an appendectomy and last of all get my face smashed in.

(Trust me I wrote a pre-leaving expectations post, and half of those weren't in there)

But here I am medically evacuated two weeks after the attack and because I now have access to fairly decent internet I give you my eye after two weeks of healing, two surgeries, and a million eye drops later:

Drum-roll please....

And a little closer up:

Reeeeeeal sexy.



Shaken, Stirred, and Shifted

It's super cliche but we all have moment in our lives where our perspective is shifted. Sometimes it's a literally physical and emotional upheaval, sometimes it's a small change or bump. It can be a simple event, sometimes a tragedy.

Recently for me, it's been a little of all of it, and kind of none of it...

As most of you have probably heard myself and a couple other volunteers were mugged outside of our hotel in Nairobi early on the night of the 12th. Thankfully, I was the only one physically injured. (Follow-up, picture post to come), with some trama to my eye.

Overall, it should be a pretty tramatic event.  I mean one of the biggest fears, especially being abroad, is being assulted, right? This is where my perspective has been stirred, so to speak. I have had people tell me that I am such a strong person, or that I'm handling it so well, or that I'm brave, but I don't feel any of that.

I just feel like me.

I feel strongly about weird things, and calm about others. I don't feel angry at the people who did this to me, yet I am extremely frustrated that I am being taken away from my work. I don't feel afraid to be alone or be out anywhere but I do feel over-particular when it comes to making decisions now...

Tomorrow I am being flown to the capital (of America) to be poked, prodded and reviewed by some of the best opthalmologists in the country.  The eye, overall, is healing well, however I am experiencing doubled vision when I use both eyes at the same time. Potentially the rest of the outcome of my life could be affected by what turns-up (or doesn't) from their examinations and I don't know how I feel about it.

Everything could change, how am I gonna be able to handle it?

Re-makes and Do-overs

Sometimes it feels like much of our lives are filled with attempts at re-making ourselves, or trying to redo mistakes. I actually like mistakes. Don’t get me wrong, often times they hurt a lot. I like them though because you learn from them, grow from them.


But I’m tired of feeling like I’m trying to re-do myself.

We all have natural points in our lives where it is inevitable that we try to change ourselves or “improve who we are”. Pre-pubescence into post- puberty is one perfect example. Othertimes, we’re kinda suckers for tragedy, leaning on the black eyes and bleeding lips to wake us up to the reality that we aren’t being who we wanted to be.

Unfortunately, I feel like I’ve been on a constant two-year cycle of attempting to “remake the man” since I can remember; First days of high school, first days after my suicide attempt junior year, first days of college, first days of going away to university, first days after graduation, first days of Peace Corps… I don’t regret any of them. They were needed. At the time these have all been the forms of Nathan that have needed to exist.

But when does it end.

When do I stop trying to hit the restart button, and simply decide to keep building onto the solid framework of myself that has already been built?

Charisma Kenya

Have you ever had a moment that was so unexpected, so wonderful, and so exciting that it seems like it could have been nothing more then divine intervention?

I did.

It all started because I forgot to take a picture for my Community Needs Assessment.  As I was waiting for my matatu to leave so I could head out for our group's In-service Training, I quickly decided to grab a quick pic.  As I was heading back to the matatu I was stopped by a gentlemen who as to tell me about his organization, unfortunately the bus was leaving without me so we set up a meeting for when I returned.

During our meeting James told me all about his Community Based Organization called Charisma Kenya. The ultimate goal for the organization is to finish building an orphanage in the nearby community of Wiyomiririe. Unfortunately, he has been doing most of the work entirely by himself.  As the organization he has bought the land (2 acres) and just have to gather enough money and water bottles (5 million to be exact) to build the complex. That's right a building made of water bottles.

Example:

This has been such a God-send for several reasons. First, it gives me a HUGE project to be working on that will hopefully take up a good amount of my time. Second, it is a project related to Orphans and Vulnerable Children which I have a huge heart for AND is a significant part of emphasized work for PCV's. Third, James is willing to help me with a Choo building project in the community. (It only takes about 100 waterbottles and the cost of a door and roof to build one!) and finally it is a perfect way for YOU back in the states to help partner with me in my work here in Kenya (more to come on that).

This has definitely helped with my feeling of purpose in being here in Kenya and made me SO excited to continue my work!