As someone who is usually pretty out-going and generally upbeat and positive these last few weeks have been incontrovertibly difficult for my spirit. For uncontrolled reasons I find myself, simply put; sad.
Ever since I have returned to America I feel like there is a war raging within my body, as seemingly rivalling identities and world-views battle to reach an equilibrium. As I try to find answers and turn to the place and the Body I have so many times ran to in the past, I feel as if I'm proverbially being turned away.
That no matter how hard I try I can't find rest. In this place between Heaven and Hell I feel I have no home.
As I turned to the Book for guidance I was drawn to Ruth. Though I do not feel I have answers or even peace, the words of Naomi stuck in my mind and seem to describe what I feel inside:
"...call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt bitterly with me. I went away full and have been brought back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord testifies against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me."
I feel like I left for Africa full of hope, energy and Passion, yet have returned feeling helpless, doubtful, and in some ways empty. As I enter through the doors of the Body I feel the pointed fingers of condemnation, rather then the extended arms of healing. Will I feel like a child of God again or am I doomed to feel separated forever?
1 comment:
You will feel his embrace again. This is a time of self growth, which is always difficult. The road you thought you were to travel has been changed and you were no prepared for that. Change is always hard, but change that you have no control over or even a say in, aswell as bo sense of true closeur is very difficult. When your heart is ready you will see the beauty on this new road. You are a beautiful and amazing youmg man and I have no doubt that you will find your way. Time, it takes time.
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