One Thing Remains

Today completed my official move up to the Beaver State (keep all dirty jokes to yourself**) in literally the hub of Duck Country and I couldn't be more stoked.

It has, however, been quite the whirlwind. It's hard to wrap my mind around the turns my life has taken in the last 2 months, and I know some people I love are struggling too.  Many have asked me some serious questions that I simply haven't been able to answer completely, especially as to why I am moving so far, so fast.

The simplest answer is I'm worn.  I am currently a broken human being (literally in some senses), walking around trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy.  I spent nearly 9 months witnessing, at points in time, the weight of what the world can bring.  I've seen some of the darkest states a human being can be brought to and not be able to do a blessed thing.  I've seen the brightest hope in a child's eyes, and the darkest flame burning in the soul of a man as his hope fails him. And then I was suddenly ripped out of that world as if I had never been there...

Part of the reason that I left Oroville and California in general is to escape.  Not from problems or anything like that but to escape "normal".  I prepared my mind and heart to be gone, away, separate, from that which I knew and was comfortable with, for two years and then was abruptly placed back into that existence as though nothing had happened.

 I felt pressure to be me as people knew me before, but I am simply not me as I was before.

And my heart is heavy.  I find myself facing a brick wall of anxiety in places that I am supposed to feel at rest and home in. Continually tired from the effort it takes to keep on breathing and to meet the expectations placed on me.

My knowledge tells where I am supposed to find rest,  I am simply weary and struggling to lift my eyes up.  I desire to know a song can rise from the ashes of my deeply held dream I believed to be being fulfilled.  To be reminded that redemption wins.

But that takes time.  So, I took my life to a place partially removed from my old life so that I can have the space to find what I have lost, and find the strength to rebuild what I can.  My heart may be frail and torn, but my hope is to rediscover the One Thing that Remains through all the trial and the change.






**but not really, just send them to me privately =P