As someone who is usually pretty out-going and generally upbeat and positive these last few weeks have been incontrovertibly difficult for my spirit. For uncontrolled reasons I find myself, simply put; sad.
Ever since I have returned to America I feel like there is a war raging within my body, as seemingly rivalling identities and world-views battle to reach an equilibrium. As I try to find answers and turn to the place and the Body I have so many times ran to in the past, I feel as if I'm proverbially being turned away.
That no matter how hard I try I can't find rest. In this place between Heaven and Hell I feel I have no home.
As I turned to the Book for guidance I was drawn to Ruth. Though I do not feel I have answers or even peace, the words of Naomi stuck in my mind and seem to describe what I feel inside:
"...call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt bitterly with me. I went away full and have been brought back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord testifies against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me."
I feel like I left for Africa full of hope, energy and Passion, yet have returned feeling helpless, doubtful, and in some ways empty. As I enter through the doors of the Body I feel the pointed fingers of condemnation, rather then the extended arms of healing. Will I feel like a child of God again or am I doomed to feel separated forever?
Monday, April 15, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
One Thing Remains
Today completed my official move up to the Beaver State (keep all dirty jokes to yourself**) in literally the hub of Duck Country and I couldn't be more stoked.
It has, however, been quite the whirlwind. It's hard to wrap my mind around the turns my life has taken in the last 2 months, and I know some people I love are struggling too. Many have asked me some serious questions that I simply haven't been able to answer completely, especially as to why I am moving so far, so fast.
The simplest answer is I'm worn. I am currently a broken human being (literally in some senses), walking around trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy. I spent nearly 9 months witnessing, at points in time, the weight of what the world can bring. I've seen some of the darkest states a human being can be brought to and not be able to do a blessed thing. I've seen the brightest hope in a child's eyes, and the darkest flame burning in the soul of a man as his hope fails him. And then I was suddenly ripped out of that world as if I had never been there...
Part of the reason that I left Oroville and California in general is to escape. Not from problems or anything like that but to escape "normal". I prepared my mind and heart to be gone, away, separate, from that which I knew and was comfortable with, for two years and then was abruptly placed back into that existence as though nothing had happened.
I felt pressure to be me as people knew me before, but I am simply not me as I was before.
And my heart is heavy. I find myself facing a brick wall of anxiety in places that I am supposed to feel at rest and home in. Continually tired from the effort it takes to keep on breathing and to meet the expectations placed on me.
My knowledge tells where I am supposed to find rest, I am simply weary and struggling to lift my eyes up. I desire to know a song can rise from the ashes of my deeply held dream I believed to be being fulfilled. To be reminded that redemption wins.
But that takes time. So, I took my life to a place partially removed from my old life so that I can have the space to find what I have lost, and find the strength to rebuild what I can. My heart may be frail and torn, but my hope is to rediscover the One Thing that Remains through all the trial and the change.
**but not really, just send them to me privately =P
It has, however, been quite the whirlwind. It's hard to wrap my mind around the turns my life has taken in the last 2 months, and I know some people I love are struggling too. Many have asked me some serious questions that I simply haven't been able to answer completely, especially as to why I am moving so far, so fast.
The simplest answer is I'm worn. I am currently a broken human being (literally in some senses), walking around trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy. I spent nearly 9 months witnessing, at points in time, the weight of what the world can bring. I've seen some of the darkest states a human being can be brought to and not be able to do a blessed thing. I've seen the brightest hope in a child's eyes, and the darkest flame burning in the soul of a man as his hope fails him. And then I was suddenly ripped out of that world as if I had never been there...
Part of the reason that I left Oroville and California in general is to escape. Not from problems or anything like that but to escape "normal". I prepared my mind and heart to be gone, away, separate, from that which I knew and was comfortable with, for two years and then was abruptly placed back into that existence as though nothing had happened.
I felt pressure to be me as people knew me before, but I am simply not me as I was before.
And my heart is heavy. I find myself facing a brick wall of anxiety in places that I am supposed to feel at rest and home in. Continually tired from the effort it takes to keep on breathing and to meet the expectations placed on me.
My knowledge tells where I am supposed to find rest, I am simply weary and struggling to lift my eyes up. I desire to know a song can rise from the ashes of my deeply held dream I believed to be being fulfilled. To be reminded that redemption wins.
But that takes time. So, I took my life to a place partially removed from my old life so that I can have the space to find what I have lost, and find the strength to rebuild what I can. My heart may be frail and torn, but my hope is to rediscover the One Thing that Remains through all the trial and the change.
**but not really, just send them to me privately =P
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