To recall all that has happened in my life this year it almost impossible to believe. I started the year off dancing the morning away on the coast of one of the most spectacular and awe-inspiring countries in the world and I ended it in the Great Northwest of the United States, a completely different person, in a completely different direction in life.
There were many amazing life lessons scattered in between then and now but the greatest, and hardest lesson to cope with was coming to understand was what it truly means to be affraid.
When I left for the Peace Corps I was full of ambitions and expectations. A had thirst for adventure and self-discovery. Above all I was eager. I wanted to be tested. I wanted to prove that I had what it took to be more or less self-sufficient. That I could rough it, and struggle and make a difference. I wanted to prove that I was ready to be a man. I had direction.
When I arrived I saw so many things. I saw the deepness of life, and the joys of self-sacrifice. I found solace in the arms of strangers and witnessed true brokenness, true darkness. I witnessed death. Yet through it all I was safe behind that damnable curtain of safety and certainty and the belief that none of this could happen to me. I had a safety net, I was different, I was other.
And suddenly at the drop of a fist all that changed.
With perfect clarity, I understood the nature of my mortality.
I knew fear.
If could get mugged, If I could get beaten, anything could happen to me. I could die tomorrow. And at first it was difficult, I didn't want to go anywhere, do anything. Anxiety coursed through my body at the littlest things. I wanted to simply dwell inside my room. Inside the safety of my little world or even to simply escape into the created fantasies of others through books or television. But I was still dying, just slowly. Bit by bit, and if I didn't change I would be hollower then a rotted out tree.
So here I am. One year later.
I've taken steps and risks and made huge changes. I've applied to some of the most prestigious nursing schools in the country and I'm working with the coolest, most broken kids imaginable. Above all I'm living my life true to myself.
I'm not where I imagined I'd be a year ago, but I'm ok with it.
Have I aimed high? You bet.
But I plan to aim higher.
