I believe,....

We are temporary - Live like it

Everyone matters - Act as if everyone is better then you.

It's important to debrief with someone you trust occasionally -  Things influence you more then you think, as well as there is value in a secondary view-point.

Acceptance isn't bad - But don't let the need for it influence your decisions about yourself.

A counterfeit friend is worse than an enemy - Evaluate your relationships occasionally. 

Eternity is in our hearts - Give it out to others.

We should live outwardly and on purpose - So that when your gone, others will miss you, and not just your friends.   

Crying doesn't indicate weakness - but it doesn't solve your problems either.

A bad outcome is not determinant of the future - Don't be afraid to make decisions.

The only thing that matters is your relationship with God - Don't let others opinions or voices block it out.

Every season passes sooner then we mean for it to - Never neglect telling others how much they mean to you.

Love is a verb, not a noun - Do.

A Loss of Innocence

Being back in the States has left me with a lot of time to think and ponder; both about my time in Africa as a whole and in relation to the series of events that have led to my return.  Part of the healing process has involved coming to terms with a number of truths; a component of which involves recognising the losses that I have sustained, both direct and primary, and conceptual and secondary.

A number have been rather obvious, such as the loss of normal vision, and the fact that I was removed from a long-term dream that I spent years trying to achieve.

Yet one of the large losses that I have sustained, that is more conceptual and haven't recognised, is a loss of innocence. In a lot of ways this can be a good thing; I won't gallop through life willy-nilly anymore without consideration of possible dangers, etc. Yet it also has darkened my once more positive outlook on the character of humans.  For example; where I would have once been more trusting or open with strangers I have found myself more reserved or mistrustful, even in "safe" situations.

In part, I am grieving for the view of the world I once held, now that it is no longer there.

Another piece to this is the loss of naivety about how the world works, which is more involved with my overall stay in Kenya. My once more go-get'er view on life has been shaken. Of course I never thought change was easy, but I think I was more hopeful that when people (Kenyan and not) see a lifestyle or behavioural change that is better in the long run, there is inclination for change. Or that everyone has a inclination of generosity/selflessness, which is definitely not the case.

In any matter, it is the struggle to find truth and stay positive in the midst of hard times and to continue to seek God in the little things as well as the big.

Shadows At the Foot of My Door

I can see the shadows at the foot of my door.
Hoping and praying that I don't have to fight them anymore.

When, in times like these, I wake from panicked sleep.
My heart racing with the time is has to keep.

I don't know how to live in THIS world anymore
After having wandered from this shore.

I used to stand firm in a world full of belief.
Now my world's been left in shambles at the hands of a thief.

Is this the nature of the broken?
Left to wonder searching for this Spirit of the Chosen.

Or do I now just stand alone?

A journey through which to find a purpose
While feeling the weight of it all seeming worthless.

These roads don't show the answers, in this,
The middle of my reckoning time.

The Beautiful Struggle

I wasn't always one just for thinking,
So I always had something to believe in.
Could never understand the belief
That nothing was even out there.

Now I've seen and heard stories
Of people without love, hope and glory;
Punching holes in everything I used to take for granted.

I can't be sure of the way that I am anymore.

Here is a beautiful struggle;
One between who I am now and who I once was.
An attempt to balance the things I've newly discovered
and the things I've know for a long time but never publicly uncovered

Truly there are things that I feel, that I can't conceive.
Of duty and faith and a new way to grieve,
I see a whole new world, one full of beauty and of pain.
Yet, I feel hope running through me

But I can't reconcile with the doubts that are within me.

Yet I've come to learn that life
Isn't simply waiting for the storm of strife
To lift its wicked head, but learning to dance amidst the rain.

The Sad Lion

There is a sad lion on the plains of Africa.

He was once a symbol strong, of power and of courage;

A force to be reckoned with, and not to be discouraged.

He left, at a moment of maturity, the unit of his birth.

He travelled far and wide, a nomad searching for a home.

Feeling as though he'd ever wander, until he found his own.

He found himself among a group of lions.

So Fierce, stubborn, and strong

He was happy, whole, and vital not invisible in the throng.

He had a family new, and watched it grow so mighty.

Based on teamwork, solidarity, and friendship; nothing could compare

To this lovely group of lions, who tried to live without a care.

Then another group of beasts, they came, to challenge the lion and his friends

With clubs they came and beat him, and left with nothing gained.

They left them there all in tatters, only further to be pained.

His injuries were severe, his face a terrible mess

So the game wardens came to intervene,

and take him from his Team

He's now so far away, taken from his Pride.

Hopeful, but uncertain, of the picture that's far to wide.

Things Fall Apart (and It'll Be OK)

Exactly two months ago, I had little notion that my whole world would be flipped on it's head.  I had an amazing job with Peace Corps, and was ready to dive into another year and a half's work within my village and with some amazing people. Then three people changed all that.

In a matter of five minutes, the actions of three men diverted the course of my life, removed me from my job, my friends, and took away my healthy vision. 

Two and a half weeks and two surgeries later, I found myself on a plane back to America, which was ultimately the most painful journey I have, as of yet, experienced. From there I have had to see several doctor's, do a tremendous amount of waiting, and the hardest part of all; keep a positive mind and not wallow in self-pity and worry about the future. Yet after two and a half months a decision had to be made concerning my service with Peace Corps.  It was a long and agonising process but one that I hope is the best thing for me.

I am sad to let you all know that I am officially being separated from my Peace Corps service and I am making my way back to the West Coast on Wednesday.

It has been an awful battle in my mind. The hardest part, of course, is seeing a huge dream of mine come to an end but the one thing that has kept me from loosing it is coming to realise that sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.  I don't know what the future will hold for me but I know that it will come together for my good.

Sometimes it feels like I'm giving up, and maybe some people will see it that way. However, I have been through a lot and had to come to realise (overcoming my pride to do this) that, sometimes, letting things go doesn't indicate weakness but rather shows you are strong enough and brave enough lo let go.

Peace Corps is tough and if it were easy, everyone would do it.  That's why I look to my fellow PCVs as a group of the bravest, strongest, and sometimes most stubborn, people that I know. I love them dearly and am so pained to have left them behind on a beautiful continent called Africa.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it."

~Maya Angelou

Far from Heaven

Seems like not very long ago it was a fever.
I was a cold-sweat, hot-headed Believer
I'd through my hands in the air and say, "Show me something."
and He'd say, "I dare you to come closer."

Not sure how to feel anymore
There was something in the way I used to feel You move.
It made me feel like I couldn't live without you.
I wanted You to stay

Now around and around and around I go
Not sure, now what I should know.
When now it doesn't feel like much of a life that I'm living
I didn't want it to be something taken, simply given.

I'm not really sure how to feel about it all
There's something about the way I'm moving
It's making me feel like I can live without you
It's taking me away

The reason I hold on
It's cause I need this hole gone
Can you recognise me?
Something's gone inside me and I can't get it back

I wait with good intentions, but I feel like I'm too far gone
It's funny when you're the broken one and needing saving,
looking the light, it's hard to know when you're caving.