Setting Fire

I stand in a precarious spot.  A middle ground, where I have a voice but do not know how to use it.
I am White. I am Male. I have lived a life of relative privilege.

Yet I see injustice. I see the pain of Black brothers and sisters. I have first-handedly witnessed the micro-aggressions and even the out right racism shown against them.  I want to scream in rage towards people's outright hatred and smash the well-meaning ignorance that plagues many people I call 'friend' in their faces.

But sometimes I am a pawn in the game. Sometimes, I don't stand up when I should. Sometimes, I let the little things slip by.

Why is it White folk only pay attention when they fear they have something to lose or until it can no longer be ignored?!  Willing to turn our backs to the troubles of our fellow humans until there is a corpse lying on our doorstep!  

I am undone. Trying to put it all together, where do I fit into this mess.  I woke up this morning White.  I will never know what it means to feel the weight of the scientifically simple, genetic disposition to a higher count of melanin. The one that socially bears the weight of millennia of oppression.

I watch fat, wind-bagged old men say there is no Institutional Racism.  What more blatant example is there then a Black Commander in Chief too caught up in the middle ground to say much else then there "are good people on all sides of this debate" and "respect the rule of law"!? Of course there are well-meaning people on the side of white supremacy, thats the banality of Evil -- the Devil wears the prettiest, most appealing of smiles.

I witness the challenge my friends have born trying to narrate racial rage, racial pain, racial fear, in the hopes that White folks with understand. I don't know that burden first hand but I've seen the resentment when it turns up in failure. I feel the anger that they have to do it in the first place!

I am guilty. Of times of ignorance, inaction, and anger, so much anger.  Especially, towards the faith system I once believed in so much.  How can a group of people who proclaim to be so rooted in LOVE be so grounded in things that are so not LOVE. Teachings that are so far from the truth and turn a blind eye if not promote so many awful things; sexism, homophobia, intolerance of other belief systems, economic disparity and greed, military atrocities just to name a few.  When will people learn that their political party promotes nothing to do with their GOD?

I am saddened that I have felt joy at the thought of one day seeing the faces of some people who believed themselves to be so rooted in the name Jesus have his back turned on them, even if I am one to join them.

I have censored myself for so long. Unwilling to set a flame to burn against me, especially if I don't feel I have as strong an argument to throw water back on it.  What honour or dignity is left in that? I can't stay quiet any longer for fear of man. I can no longer silently hear people scoff "Ha, that's a fly-over continent.", about a place that has taken so much of my heart....

My mind wants peace but my heart wants justice. Yet... "How can we obey the 'rule of law' when it holds its foot against our neck while pleading with us to affirm the path to our own destruction? Humans can only be kicked in the stomach for so long, bullied for so long before one day they stagger to their feet, and you see reflected back at you, the results of your own unresolved monstrousness."

I do not know they answer. All I can see is dark days ahead if we remain complacent and inactive.

Half of It

You watched me grow, setting fire with passion.
I guess you saw me bleeding, but you had no idea what I'd been needing
Talking and talking about when we were children, I'm no longer the kid that you believed in.

Yeah, you've read what I've been writing, but that's just the half of it
Yeah, you heard it from them, rumours and gossips.
So, here's my hanging, dirty laundry, and you're entitled to your own opinion.
Go ahead, sit and shake your head at my decisions.

I know the pictures you see make it seem like I'm always winning, but they're just the half of it
Oh, I know, I can be the life of the party
Beautiful people, I get them to surround me
Big and small, all kinds, I just want them to love.

But you know me, but thats just the half of me
Everyone thinks that I'm crazy, for the things that I've done
No matter how hard I try, sticks and stones they still get to me
I wish I was the type that don't give a f*$#.

But thats just the half of it, the half of me.

Lowborn - A Reflection

So, there is this little band that I came to love some ten years ago now. Their intricate lyrics and music found a way to speak to me when I needed encouragement, inspiration, or simply a wake up call and their talent even inspired my desire to play bass (Thanks Deon!). Sadly, they are dissolving the band at the end of this year (and I gladly got to see them one more time in Portland!) but before they do that, they recently came out with a final album, Lowborn.

aaand, yet again, they managed to theme a lot of the thoughts and events that have been surrounding my life at the moment.

Entitlement: Since returning from my time abroad, I have kept in my conscious mind the notion that I am not owed anything, except the chance to work with my two hands, and even that can be taken from me.  I have tried to focus on not taking my time for granted, and not seeking endless entertainment.  It may seem depressing, but it is rather freeing; I am nothing and the world owes me nothing. I can build and give or I can consume and destroy. If I am only about me, then I am Consumer...

I love how Stephen Christian put it : "If all you are is just what you want, then you are the destroyer."

- We Are Destroyer

Personal Responsibility: Taking responsibility for what we do has become a cultural deficit.  We think placing blame on another; parents, government officials, circumstances, etc, for our actions somehow staves off the consequences.  It's not simply the owning up to my mistakes, but it creates character and upstanding. Of course things may be, and feel, bad for a time, but that's the nature of consequences. They are balancers, equalizers.

- Armageddon

From Afar:  I don't relate to this song as completely as I think the lyrics are getting at, but I understand the feeling of caring for someone from afar.  Wanting to be able to be more for/with someone but not being able to for reasons beyond your control.

- Stranger Ways

Failure and Overcoming Fear:  For most of my life I've lacked confidence, from my abilities to my identity, and for so long if stopped me from living!  Then it dawned on me [or maybe even smacked me in the face, one might say ;) ]  'Who cares?!'  Who cares what other people think? Who cares if I fail from time to time? Who cares if I die, as long as it's doing something meaningful?

I'm not going live under the fear of other's judgements, I'm not going to miss out anymore.  So here's a velvet covered brick to smash the glass walls that surround you!

- Velvet Covered Brick

Experience:  You have to read every line of this song.  Each line is pretty plain in how it reads for me.  I have been so many places, met so many amazing people, some I may never see again. I've loved strongly the places where I have lived, and got lost in the swirls and depths of moments.  I've fallen in love, and walked in difficult places. I'm tired of going it alone but I've got to keep my heart of where I'm headed

- Atonement

The Past and Regret: If there's one good thing that I have learned to do over the years, it is to never look back.  The past holds nothing for you once you have moved on from it. It's good to remember from time to time the good but not to fixate and hold onto it.  Memories are just memories, nothing more, they can't sustain you, only do you harm.  I've come to never regret my decisions. They are made and done, I can learn from them or live with the consequences of them but I refuse to suffer for them; I won't let them circle around me like birds of prey, waiting for me to fall.

- Birds of Prey

Being a Dreamer: There's a lot to be unsure of.  I can't count the multitudes of times I've just stood back being utterly perplexed with what to do next.  But I've tried to keep high hopes and even loftier dreams for myself.  I've tried to aim high and it's always lead me to some interesting adventures and outcomes.  Rarely is it easy. The number of times I questioned if it was worth it, that I left everything I knew, my mom and dad and brother, for this?!  I've lost what felt like 'it all" but through the hard times I'll continue to work hard cause, so far, I've gotten to see the other side every time, and it was worth it!

- Losing It All

Conflict and Faith:  I feel like I am continuous burdened by conflicting thoughts, of morality and the proper way to live, on caring for others and caring for oneself.  Constant struggle with what I believe to be right and good in my head and the ache of watching others do differently.  Those who want to see heaven are unwilling to make the sacrifices possible to have it be achieved here, on earth.  Those that believe in god or want to know god but continue to live as if he doesn't exist.  I may never find the answers but I will continue to struggle with the questions and live and justly and with integrity for myself and for others the best I can in this world of all shades of grey.

- Hearing Voices

The Forewarning: This part of the post some people might not be able to contend with. But it is what it is....

In Stephen Christian's post about this song he wrote that he wanted it to be the lyrical explanation of why he was stepping away from band life.  It beautifully fit with stuff that I have journeyed through over the last twoish years...

"There comes a time in everyone's life" where they "pain to feel free".  When they're tired of being told how to feel and believe and have to discover the truth for themselves based off the life-experience they hold. That seed was planted three years ago before I left for Kenya. My experience there helped form and solidify what had been festering for my entire life.  With all these reasons, seasons, and time:

It was time, to let the wound.

When I came out there were many mixed expressions of sentiment from people in the Body that I had grown in.  Some came together, we came together and found peace. Others berated me with letters, telling me I was an other, that my life's work was worthless, that I was unworthy of a Love no one is worthy of.

I didn't fully want to step away, but I had to.  I couldn't live with the weight of expectation, of gossip, of condemnation. I didn't want to go, but I knew I had to.  I wanted to be remembered in a different light, but that wasn't allowed to glow.

It took some hermitage, and a whole lot of emotional support but now my life is electric, full of life and I can "look back with a lighter soul."

- Harbinger

Love and Other Simple Things

I wanna know what'd it would be like to find perfection in my worldview.
To be blinded by pride that comes with never having stepped outside my little box.
To see nothing in the light.
To turn it off and never analyze the things I've held most strongly to.

The funny thing about growing is you can't just turn it off.
In my year and a half in Oregon, I've had to reanalyze things a million times over.
And I've found some amazing things. Both dark and painful, beautiful and full of hope.

The worst part is that, before things get better, often times it takes a solid fall off a cliff.  The Free Fall was muddling through all that Africa taught me, about justice, and freedom and of mortality.
Through it all however, I've realized that I'm better off for hitting the bottom.  It lends a new perspective, only being able to look up.

There was a lot of tragedy for others that seemed unending which joined the Free Fall. I watched many that I looked up to bend and others break, taking shortcuts and attempting false solutions, simply to keep face, and come out looking like the hero.  I discovered how shallow morality and being 'upstanding' can be when it's faced with the hardness of life.  I got glimpses of what's behind the curtain, saw the people behind the masks they'd been wearing.

I've come to appreciate people as the sum of who they are, past mistakes and all. It's wrong the way we've been working, hiding who we are to save "Face".

That's what true love is. People say they know it, I've come to believe most don't, or at least don't know how to demonstrate it.  It's not forcing others to meet your "standards", but caring for them, seeing them as an equal.

 Human.

No matter how they differ from oneself.
It's a shame we remain such fragile broken things.  Butterflies with punctured wings, floundering in the mud.

What a mystery we've made of Love and other things.

A Tuesday Kind of Person

I've always liked Tuesdays but Tuesday is a day that is often taken for granted.  It isn't a particularly special day of the week so it can be left out and forgotten.  Most people recognise Monday as the dreaded start of the week. Friday's are of course the "let it all hang out" end to the week and we all know why weekends are awesome.  Heck even Thursday gets "Throwback Thursday."

But Tuesdays? People are relatively indifferent about Tuesdays.

Yet, Tuesday is the kind of person I want to be.  Tuesday in some languages literally means to come second.  In a culture where everyone strives to come in first, pushing others towards the bottom, I want to be ok with coming in second.  I desire to put others before myself.  I don't want to be the one that stops the world from spinning, just the one to love in a way that isn't indulgent, but keeps others grounded in spite of the uncontrollable spinning of this life.

Tuesday is a realistic philosopher. I want not to delude myself with fantasies of the future or create ambitions that are unsustainable.  Rather, to dream little dreams, and create little schemes that don't make the here and now become inconsequential.  I want to breathe relevance into monotony, to take colourless instances and make them vibrant.  I want to get easily wrapped up in directionless conversations about what happened five years ago that makes today experiences important. To be so full on someone else's words, there isn't room for anything else.

I want to do things for the enjoyment of the things themselves not for who might be watching.

Named after the Norse god of justice, and forward thinking, Tuesday is the bridging day. I want to be the connecting point between others, or between people and their dreams.  I want to be someone who does not forget what lay behind but also keeps an eye on what is to come, and what possibilities humanity can have. To make changes for the sake of making things better, not for show or recognition.

"Tuesday's child is full of grace" as the saying goes.  And while it would be nice to live in simplistic elegance, I want to live in a state of being considerate and thoughtful.  And while its necessary to celebrate and forget temporarily, I don't want to live there forever.
When the laze and haze of the weekend has worn thin and seems more distant than ever, I want to have a Tuesday kind of being.

Just like you.

You have done nothing but coerce us into the shadows.  Preaching out "all are sinners", and "no sin is greater than another." Yet you scrawl accusation across our brows, and pull your hand away if any of us reach out for help.

You've simply branded us with a brilliant, flowing, rainbow-colored "scarlet" letter.  Labelled us not as friend. Not as son. Not as sister;

Sinner.

Yet you don't take the time to know us. You don't spend time with us. We are simply something foreign. Something different, an Other. There, it seems, for you to tame, to remedy and to "save".

Keep your condescending love. You bleat "all are welcome here" but, it seems, we're the ones you reserve the right to constantly remind us of our status.

Sinner.

You decide not to get your hands dirty, you refuse to affirm our humanity.
We are not pawns to be used in you political debates! This is not a cultural war, its a simple fight to be seen as what we are. We are people.

We love. We hope. We cry. We pray.

Just like you.

Listen to your own philosophy! Stop telling us that sin is our deepest identity. Stop condemning us. Stop choosing Principle over Grace.

So that in the end, when you come to us and ask us "Why?"
We don't have to say, "I came to you, but you turned your back on me and did nothing."

Because in the end we remember, not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends...

Anniversary: Aim High

To recall all that has happened in my life this year it almost impossible to believe. I started the year off dancing the morning away on the coast of one of the most spectacular and awe-inspiring countries in the world and I ended it in the Great Northwest of the United States, a completely different person, in a completely different direction in life.

There were many amazing life lessons scattered in between then and now but the greatest, and hardest lesson to cope with was coming to understand was what it truly means to be affraid.

When I left for the Peace Corps I was full of ambitions and expectations. A had thirst for adventure and self-discovery. Above all I was eager. I wanted to be tested. I wanted to prove that I had what it took to be more or less self-sufficient. That I could rough it, and struggle and make a difference. I wanted to prove that I was ready to be a man. I had direction.

When I arrived I saw so many things.  I saw the deepness of life, and the joys of self-sacrifice. I found solace in the arms of strangers and witnessed true brokenness, true darkness. I witnessed death. Yet through it all I was safe behind that damnable curtain of safety and certainty and the belief that none of this could happen to me. I had a safety net, I was different, I was other.

And suddenly at the drop of a fist all that changed.

With perfect clarity, I understood the nature of my mortality.
I knew fear.

If could get mugged, If I could get beaten, anything could happen to me. I could die tomorrow. And at first it was difficult, I didn't want to go anywhere, do anything. Anxiety coursed through my body at the littlest things. I wanted to simply dwell inside my room. Inside the safety of my little world or even to simply escape into the created fantasies of others through books or television.  But I was still dying, just slowly. Bit by bit, and if I didn't change I would be hollower then a rotted out tree.

So here I am. One year later.

I've taken steps and risks and made huge changes.  I've applied to some of the most prestigious nursing schools in the country and I'm working with the coolest, most broken kids imaginable. Above all I'm living my life true to myself.

I'm not where I imagined I'd be a year ago, but I'm ok with it.
Have I aimed high? You bet.

But I plan to aim higher.