Lowborn - A Reflection

So, there is this little band that I came to love some ten years ago now. Their intricate lyrics and music found a way to speak to me when I needed encouragement, inspiration, or simply a wake up call and their talent even inspired my desire to play bass (Thanks Deon!). Sadly, they are dissolving the band at the end of this year (and I gladly got to see them one more time in Portland!) but before they do that, they recently came out with a final album, Lowborn.

aaand, yet again, they managed to theme a lot of the thoughts and events that have been surrounding my life at the moment.

Entitlement: Since returning from my time abroad, I have kept in my conscious mind the notion that I am not owed anything, except the chance to work with my two hands, and even that can be taken from me.  I have tried to focus on not taking my time for granted, and not seeking endless entertainment.  It may seem depressing, but it is rather freeing; I am nothing and the world owes me nothing. I can build and give or I can consume and destroy. If I am only about me, then I am Consumer...

I love how Stephen Christian put it : "If all you are is just what you want, then you are the destroyer."

- We Are Destroyer

Personal Responsibility: Taking responsibility for what we do has become a cultural deficit.  We think placing blame on another; parents, government officials, circumstances, etc, for our actions somehow staves off the consequences.  It's not simply the owning up to my mistakes, but it creates character and upstanding. Of course things may be, and feel, bad for a time, but that's the nature of consequences. They are balancers, equalizers.

- Armageddon

From Afar:  I don't relate to this song as completely as I think the lyrics are getting at, but I understand the feeling of caring for someone from afar.  Wanting to be able to be more for/with someone but not being able to for reasons beyond your control.

- Stranger Ways

Failure and Overcoming Fear:  For most of my life I've lacked confidence, from my abilities to my identity, and for so long if stopped me from living!  Then it dawned on me [or maybe even smacked me in the face, one might say ;) ]  'Who cares?!'  Who cares what other people think? Who cares if I fail from time to time? Who cares if I die, as long as it's doing something meaningful?

I'm not going live under the fear of other's judgements, I'm not going to miss out anymore.  So here's a velvet covered brick to smash the glass walls that surround you!

- Velvet Covered Brick

Experience:  You have to read every line of this song.  Each line is pretty plain in how it reads for me.  I have been so many places, met so many amazing people, some I may never see again. I've loved strongly the places where I have lived, and got lost in the swirls and depths of moments.  I've fallen in love, and walked in difficult places. I'm tired of going it alone but I've got to keep my heart of where I'm headed

- Atonement

The Past and Regret: If there's one good thing that I have learned to do over the years, it is to never look back.  The past holds nothing for you once you have moved on from it. It's good to remember from time to time the good but not to fixate and hold onto it.  Memories are just memories, nothing more, they can't sustain you, only do you harm.  I've come to never regret my decisions. They are made and done, I can learn from them or live with the consequences of them but I refuse to suffer for them; I won't let them circle around me like birds of prey, waiting for me to fall.

- Birds of Prey

Being a Dreamer: There's a lot to be unsure of.  I can't count the multitudes of times I've just stood back being utterly perplexed with what to do next.  But I've tried to keep high hopes and even loftier dreams for myself.  I've tried to aim high and it's always lead me to some interesting adventures and outcomes.  Rarely is it easy. The number of times I questioned if it was worth it, that I left everything I knew, my mom and dad and brother, for this?!  I've lost what felt like 'it all" but through the hard times I'll continue to work hard cause, so far, I've gotten to see the other side every time, and it was worth it!

- Losing It All

Conflict and Faith:  I feel like I am continuous burdened by conflicting thoughts, of morality and the proper way to live, on caring for others and caring for oneself.  Constant struggle with what I believe to be right and good in my head and the ache of watching others do differently.  Those who want to see heaven are unwilling to make the sacrifices possible to have it be achieved here, on earth.  Those that believe in god or want to know god but continue to live as if he doesn't exist.  I may never find the answers but I will continue to struggle with the questions and live and justly and with integrity for myself and for others the best I can in this world of all shades of grey.

- Hearing Voices

The Forewarning: This part of the post some people might not be able to contend with. But it is what it is....

In Stephen Christian's post about this song he wrote that he wanted it to be the lyrical explanation of why he was stepping away from band life.  It beautifully fit with stuff that I have journeyed through over the last twoish years...

"There comes a time in everyone's life" where they "pain to feel free".  When they're tired of being told how to feel and believe and have to discover the truth for themselves based off the life-experience they hold. That seed was planted three years ago before I left for Kenya. My experience there helped form and solidify what had been festering for my entire life.  With all these reasons, seasons, and time:

It was time, to let the wound.

When I came out there were many mixed expressions of sentiment from people in the Body that I had grown in.  Some came together, we came together and found peace. Others berated me with letters, telling me I was an other, that my life's work was worthless, that I was unworthy of a Love no one is worthy of.

I didn't fully want to step away, but I had to.  I couldn't live with the weight of expectation, of gossip, of condemnation. I didn't want to go, but I knew I had to.  I wanted to be remembered in a different light, but that wasn't allowed to glow.

It took some hermitage, and a whole lot of emotional support but now my life is electric, full of life and I can "look back with a lighter soul."

- Harbinger

Love and Other Simple Things

I wanna know what'd it would be like to find perfection in my worldview.
To be blinded by pride that comes with never having stepped outside my little box.
To see nothing in the light.
To turn it off and never analyze the things I've held most strongly to.

The funny thing about growing is you can't just turn it off.
In my year and a half in Oregon, I've had to reanalyze things a million times over.
And I've found some amazing things. Both dark and painful, beautiful and full of hope.

The worst part is that, before things get better, often times it takes a solid fall off a cliff.  The Free Fall was muddling through all that Africa taught me, about justice, and freedom and of mortality.
Through it all however, I've realized that I'm better off for hitting the bottom.  It lends a new perspective, only being able to look up.

There was a lot of tragedy for others that seemed unending which joined the Free Fall. I watched many that I looked up to bend and others break, taking shortcuts and attempting false solutions, simply to keep face, and come out looking like the hero.  I discovered how shallow morality and being 'upstanding' can be when it's faced with the hardness of life.  I got glimpses of what's behind the curtain, saw the people behind the masks they'd been wearing.

I've come to appreciate people as the sum of who they are, past mistakes and all. It's wrong the way we've been working, hiding who we are to save "Face".

That's what true love is. People say they know it, I've come to believe most don't, or at least don't know how to demonstrate it.  It's not forcing others to meet your "standards", but caring for them, seeing them as an equal.

 Human.

No matter how they differ from oneself.
It's a shame we remain such fragile broken things.  Butterflies with punctured wings, floundering in the mud.

What a mystery we've made of Love and other things.