Being back in the States has left me with a lot of time to think and ponder; both about my time in Africa as a whole and in relation to the series of events that have led to my return. Part of the healing process has involved coming to terms with a number of truths; a component of which involves recognising the losses that I have sustained, both direct and primary, and conceptual and secondary.
A number have been rather obvious, such as the loss of normal vision, and the fact that I was removed from a long-term dream that I spent years trying to achieve.
Yet one of the large losses that I have sustained, that is more conceptual and haven't recognised, is a loss of innocence. In a lot of ways this can be a good thing; I won't gallop through life willy-nilly anymore without consideration of possible dangers, etc. Yet it also has darkened my once more positive outlook on the character of humans. For example; where I would have once been more trusting or open with strangers I have found myself more reserved or mistrustful, even in "safe" situations.
In part, I am grieving for the view of the world I once held, now that it is no longer there.
Another piece to this is the loss of naivety about how the world works, which is more involved with my overall stay in Kenya. My once more go-get'er view on life has been shaken. Of course I never thought change was easy, but I think I was more hopeful that when people (Kenyan and not) see a lifestyle or behavioural change that is better in the long run, there is inclination for change. Or that everyone has a inclination of generosity/selflessness, which is definitely not the case.
In any matter, it is the struggle to find truth and stay positive in the midst of hard times and to continue to seek God in the little things as well as the big.
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