Demons

I fell to my knees as I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Feels like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than to simply get lost in my own selfish thinking

Tragedy seems unending
As I watch people I looked up to bending and breaking
Taking shortcuts and false solutions
To hide the truth and appear to come out the hero

I want to know what it would be like to find perfection
To see beyond my pride, to see nothing in the Light
Sometimes I wonder if I'm better off just hitting the bottom
To stop hiding how I truly feel to attempt to come out the hero

No matter what we breed
We are still made greatly of greed
Who knows what's right
The lines keep growing thinner

I don't want to let you down
But sometimes I feel as if I'm hell bound
As if it's woven into my soul
This is my kingdom come.

That through this masquerade
All will come crawling out through this mess I've made
Look into my eyes, but don't get too close, it's dark inside
It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide

These Hard Times

These few weeks have been rough. In a lot of ways they have been adventurous and I've gotten opportunities that I didn't think I'd get for a while, like being able to see family and friends I didn't believe I would see for a long time.

However, I find myself fighting depression.

Everything is unbelievably unknown. I'm facing having a long term dream crumble down around me and possibly come to and end. I'm miles away from friends that I love so much and are continuing an amazing journey without me. I find myself riding a roller coaster of emotions that change with the slightest instance. All the while trying to look through the smoke where the answers and the truth seem like they have cut their ties.

It's not clear to me anymore the answers to the ugliness that I feel.  I want the answers to what I need.
I feel like I'm hiding in the shadows, afraid of the light. I feel like I'm simply standing on the outside of where I'm meant to be and the door has been slammed shut in my face.

All I can do is pray.

   Give me the answers
   Give me the way out
   Give me the faith to believe in these hard times

   Show me which way to move
   Show me motivation
   Show me all my heart desires, when I feel like you're not around

   For I'm a troubled mind and a callused heart
   A failing engine that was trying way to hard
   Always second-guessing that little voice I used to hear
 
   I'm finally broken from falling to far
   Burning up, I'm trying to pick up the pieces and searching for healing from the scars
   I ask you take this cup from me cause the fear of the future is stealing all my sleep
 
   Help me in this hour of doubt and darkness
   Cause who I am affects not just me
   So give me the strength, so that love can finish telling this tale.

Using the "Kenyan English" Voice

Monday I got the privilege of teaching a lesson about HIV/AIDS and STIs at the training of a group of new CHWs (Community Health Workers). The class went really well, and it was a chance to practice one of the undiscussed, and personally disliked, “skills” known as the “Kenyan English Voice”.

I absolutely haaaaaaaaaate utilizing my “Kenyan English” voice. I feel like I am being pretentious and speaking down to the Kenyan I am communicating with. However, without using it in some form most Kenyans are less than able to understand what I am saying in my regular Californian accent.

Now, everyone has their own form of the “Kenyan English Voice” but there are some pretty universal traits that one must use for effective communication in English. These include; lengthening of vowels (particularly ‘u’ and ‘o’), the disuse of contractions, and a hard pronunciation of ‘t’s. My personal flavor is these key traits with while adding a light British lilt and a staccato-ish rhythm tends to aid almost perfectly the ability to understand what I am trying to communicate.

When it comes to understanding what’s being said to me, sometimes I get completely lost. Mostly because in KiKuyu 'r's are pronounced as 'l's, 'b's as 'f's, and 'c's as 'sh'.

On the plus side I got complemented by a mama that I had the best English she had ever heard from a Mzungu... something about not "sounding all scruntched up in the nose"... which totally make sense why children "talk" all nasally or plug their noses to say "How are you" as I walk by... Still sounds like their making fun of me =(

Two Shades of Hope

There are two shades of Hope.
One the enlightening of the soul, the other, more like a hang man’s rope.
It keeps us going, striving for the impossible.
It’s why love hurts, and heartache stings
I can’t help myself but to hope.

It’s written on my soul, Hope’s what we crave
Yet Hope deals the hardest blows:
It gives reason to live, to rise above, and to love again
yet brings despair in death, and hollows the soul

Hope’s what we crave, that will never change;
Just the drop of grace needed to carry us through the day,
And the heavy blow that turns us to dust
Let the drops of tears turn to rust and give me the spark to believe

Hope, she sleeps without me
Her dreams though, they surround me.
They lift me, drop me, fill me up and leave me hollow;
dancing the dance, twirling and reeling between
the two shades of Hope.