While I’m all for the occasional salacious story, this post is that which is farthest from that topic. However, I am glad to have caught your attention.
It has been rather cloudy here in Loitokitok for the last five or so days which is definitely the last thing I expected to experience in Africa, then again very little of Kenya has been what I was expecting. To top the overcast weather, the mood has become one of listlessness and solemnity. I can’t put my finger on it but I can sense its drag on nearly all of the volunteers; each being weighed down by a different burdens.
For me it is taking the form of feeling as if all I am doing now is taking up space, time, and resources. After shadowing and witnessing how volunteers are able to be active within their community, being back at PST makes me feel useless. I am not learning much at this point because more than half of what we are going through I have significant experience in. I am not able to do much work at my host home because we have a house technician who is paid to do everything and I don’t feel as if I am able to help here in Loitokitok because I am here temporarily and do not have many opportunities to engage within the community leaving me to be little more than a walking dollar sign.
The expectation that, because I am white, I have money with which I can freely hand out continues to weigh heavy on my mind. Since I am in community development, it is on the forefront of my mind that to achieve progress and change the best measures are assisting others to acquire necessary skills, knowledge, and behaviours to advance their well-being, not simply giving handouts. It is tough to feel like I have to walk the fine line between directly assisting a fellow human being in need and knowing that that action will probably do more harm than good, especially to the community’s view of my presence here if others see that I am giving out money.
Oddly enough, I stumbled upon Ecclesiastes 3 v. 1-8 which reminded me of the lack of Black and Whiteness in life but that most everything falls into the field grey and sometimes G-d directly calls us to stand in that middle ground and struggle with it. Sometimes there is no solid answer but the one that you discover through living it out.
Thoughts?
-N
2 comments:
Wow Nathan, Very true . All I can say is it seems when your stuck in the middle with very little clarity it is when you have to dig deep and try and figure out the lessons God is trying to teach you. I hope your experience becomes more for filling and you can find a place out there that will help you feel it was all worth while, and not feel like a waking dollar sign. We love and miss you and will be praying for you!
Lisa
I know the feeling of thinking that what you are doing isn't worthwhile- not a fun one. But remember that, it is true, this is a season, and there WILL be a time where you feel so busy that you will wish you were a little less! Just a little... It was easy for me to let my feelings of guilt in not doing enough or being useful enough (when I was a caretaker) take over my mindset and not allow me to enjoy moments that came along. I hope you learn to enjoy the people you are working with, laugh at silly things, and be enamored by your surroundings which are so different from any place you've ever lived before.
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